I Forgot Christmas

In the back of my mind I knew that Christmas was this week. I knew that Jacob would be spending Christmas in the hospital.

Then the days started to blend into one another. I feel a bit like a caged animal spending my days in this hospital room. I haven't been outside or breathed in fresh air since Monday morning. I feel like I am in another world. I see parents walking the halls with tears in their eyes. I see little children with bald heads and IV lines trailing behind them and I smile a comforting smile to their parents, while trying to hold back tears because this is my child's future. I wheel my little boy to x-ray in a wheelchair with tubes sticking out of him and I see other people smiling that smile to me. I am that parent that others pity.

When we first arrived here I was looking at the dry erase board in our room and thought it was funny that the nurses had to write down the day and the date. Who forgets what day it is?! Then on Wednesday I couldn't remember if it was Tuesday or Friday (turns out it was neither). I couldn't remember how many days I had been here at the hospital. It all turned into a blur.

And I forgot Christmas. Yesterday someone wished me a good Christmas Eve eve and it was only then that I realized Christmas was just two days away. This morning I had forgotten again, until my husband called me to see if he should still attempt to come to the hospital with the kids for Christmas Eve. Oh, yeah, Christmas is tomorrow. There is no magical feeling in the air. No excitement or wonderment. Right now my life is basic survival, somewhat physically (trying to get sleep in the hospital or finding nourishing food in the cafeteria that doesn't cost an arm and a leg is almost impossible) but more mentally. I await the pathology reports (which probably will not come in until next week) and try not to take it personally when my son gets mad with me because of everything he has been through this week. I try not to let my mind wander to the dark side of things, because I just can't handle that.

And yet, while I am not in the Christmas spirit I have things to be thankful for. I'm thankful that Jacob got through surgery okay. I'm thankful that he is recovering well and isn't in a whole lot of pain. I'm thankful that my husband is taking good care of the other kids and that they are getting along well without me. I'm thankful for my mom who was able to spend a few nights in the hospital with Jacob and I and for my dad who is watching my younger siblings so that my mom can be at the hospital and also helping my younger sister care for our animals. I am thankful for all our friends, family, and neighbors that have stepped in and helped out so much. I'm thankful for the strangers that have poured their love and prayers upon us. I'm thankful for the doctors and nurses that care for my child and can still make him laugh when he is in pain. I'm thankful to see how good people really are, when before I had lost a lot of faith in humanity.

Today was a better day. Jacob is eating more. He walked to the playroom and sat down and played with me for awhile and only had to push his medicine button once. His x-ray showed that the air bubbles in his chest are decreasing so he will probably not need another chest tube, though the one he has in will stay in for a few more days on suction, hopefully getting rid of the bubbles completely. We will be in the hospital for several more days, I think.

So while I remember that today is Friday, December 24th (okay, I actually had to look at the board to remind myself it is a Friday) I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. You have all been a huge support for me and I thank you all for your prayers for Jacob.