Can I Just Hide in Bed

Can I Just Hide in Bed 'Til Jesus Comes Back? by Martha Bolton and Christin Ditchfield has been a wonderful resource for me this month. This book dives into how to face life with courage; something that can be hard to do when you've been stressed to the max or exhausted by life. It happens to us all...a point in our life where that one extra piece of straw just breaks our back and we have to find a way to pick ourselves up.

The authors share their real life struggles with depression and anxiety and include humor because laughter really is the best medicine. It's a very light read about some very serious matters and includes many encouraging verses and ways that we can help ourselves but always with the reminder that God is on our side. He is where our strength and courage can come from when we can't face things alone.

This is not a preachy book whatsoever but feels more like a chat over a cup of coffee with a good friend. This for sure will be going on my shelves to be read again.

This book was given to me by Tyndale Publishing in exchange for my honest review.
 

Peace In The Face of Loss

I think one of the most helpful things in dealing with grief is meditation and reflection. Peace In The Face Of Loss by Jill Kelly has been one of the most helpful books I've read since losing Jacob close to four years ago. 

 While it is written by a mother who has lost a child and deals a lot with child loss I think it would be great for any type of loss (spouse, parent, sibling, etc.) as it is basically digging into God's word to understand why bad things may (will) happen in our life, how there is a purpose in our pain, how we can lean on God during those times, etc. As a matter of fact, I got so much more than comfort for my grief from this book but also some sound advice for dealing with anxiety, worry, and so on. It is a very comforting and wise book.
   
   I keep very few books after reading them but this will go onto my shelves. I have a small shelf (that is growing in size) of books dealing with loss that I reread or pull one out from time to time to give to a newly grieving person. This book is leather bound and a would make a great gift for someone who has lost a loved one.
 

All the Pretty Things

We are all products of our environment, so I love hearing people's life stories and digesting what shaped them into who they are. Some rise above their situation and some follow in the footsteps of their parents. Each story is as original as the person. All the Pretty Things by Edit Wadsworth is the story of a child born into extreme poverty in the Appalachian Mountains, with an alcoholic father. You can see right from the very beginning that Wadsworth's father was a product of his family, who all struggled with poverty, addiction, and criminal behavior.

It was heartbreaking to see how even when her father let her down Edie still idolized him. It made me mad at him for putting himself first always, but showed Edie's own compassion and how she was able to separate her dad from his addiction. 

Wadsworth took a different path and rose above her circumstances and was one of the first in her line of relatives to finish high school. She then went on to become a doctor. 


The book was fascinating but I felt it begin to rush over things towards the middle and left several big holes. I know part of the issue is that Wadsworth omitted some names and parts of the story to protect the people she loves, but that left very stale descriptions of her first marriage and her motherhood journey. I learned very little about her first husband or why their marriage was doomed from the start. I didn't have any idea of where the kids were as she studied and graduated medical school or while she practically lived at the hospital during her days as a medical student. It took a lot away from the story and I found myself distracted.

In the end Wadsworth tells us how she found God. On page 134 she writes: "the painful parts of our lives are often the very things that God will use as gifts to bless and change us and the people we meet" which basically boils down to what this book is about. Our pain often has a purpose and it's up to us to figure out how to use our pain for good.

This book was given to me by Tyndale Publishing in exchange for my honest review.
 

R E S P E C T

October is Respect Life month. It's a month before elections and a good time to bring up these issues. What I've come to realize is that debating the issue does not help. You are either on one side or the other and someone telling you their opinion doesn't typically change your own.

It was only 2 days into the month when on Facebook I saw someone complaining about a group holding up pro-life signs at the side of the road. The comments below got heated fast: some people agreeing with the pro-life activists and others telling them they should mind their own business...that abortion is a choice. It's ironic that they didn't see that it is also a choice to be against abortion and that these protesters have just as much a right to stand up for their convictions as pro-choicers do for theirs.

It became disheartening on how quickly it became vile - insults being thrown, crude language, horrible judgements - on both sides. 

It's ironic that in a month that is for respecting life, debating the issue showed little respect for others. 

October is also infant and pregnancy awareness loss. It was sorrowful to see people arguing whether a baby was just cells and not human yet and then seeing other posts where women were sharing their pain with the loss of their pregnancies/infants. That was ironic in the most dismal way. Our words have power and we need to think before we speak (type).

So what can we do if we feel strongly about something that we feel is wrong/right? I once heard, "If you can't change something, you need to stay neutral." I think there is very little, if anything, that we can't change in this world.  

 It's important to stand for something, because those that don't fall for anything.  There ARE things that should be fought for, there are things in life that need to be changed. If you are pro-life you should be fighting for what you believe in and if you are pro-choice so should you.

I don't mean fight in the literal sense. It's not okay to verbally attack someone who has a different view than you. All it does is alienate you and your cause. 

THIS is what I've found works the best. If you're against abortion - pray, donate to crisis pregnancy centers, support the mothers who do decide to keep or put their child up for adoption, and go ahead and picket but do it in a non-hostile way. If you're pro-choice donate to organizations that provide birth control, vote, and hold your own picketing in a non-hostile way.

In the end, we aren't going to change everyone's mind but we can do our part to support what we feel is right. In a respectful way.
   

Pressing Pause

Pressing Pause by Karen Ehman & Ruth Schwenk gives you 100 quiet moments for moms to meet with Jesus. Each devotion begins with a Bible Verse, followed by a section written by one of the two authors, ending with a prayer and a question to answer.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, in order to have a relationship with God we need to spend time with him. Daily. If we are the company that we keep shouldn't we be spending the most time with Jesus? As a busy mom it can be difficult to really just sit down and listen to His word. I've found devotionals to be the answer to the problem. This book is filled with 100 short devotionals that can be done in ten minutes or less. If I read one in the morning the message stays with me all day, if I read it at night I can meditate on the passage while drifting off to sleep. 

What I like especially about this devotional is that the message basically boils down to the fact that all mothers, in all walks of life, are doing their best. And when we feel like a failure, or start to compare ourselves to others, or feel tired and alone - we can get encouragement from other women who are in the same boat. There is no preaching, only encouragement in this devotional.

It's also a very beautiful, hardbound book so perfect to gift to other mothers that may need a little confidence in the motherhood journey. We are all in this together, mamas!

This book was given to me by BookLook Bloggers in exchange for my honest review.
 

Emotional Fool

My baby turns three today! My little April fool.

Her birthday is a challenge for me. I vividly remember the day that she was born. It was the day of Jacob's Palliative care chemotherapy appointment. The day before I had decided to just send my husband and mom to it as I didn't want to be 70 miles away from home when I was 4 days overdue.

It turns out that my husband wasn't able to go to the appointment either since I ended up in labor that day.

It was a very, very emotional day. I asked my mom to go ahead with the appointment but was so worried about Jacob all day. Would he be nervous being at the clinic with just my mom? Would something be said in front of him that would make him scared? It turned out to be a good day with Grandma for him but knowing that your mom was hearing palliative care information about your sweet boy while you are in labor is a thing you just don't ever forget.

I'm sure that when my mom posted on her Facebook wall that morning that I had been rushed to the hospital by ambulance due to bleeding heavily that many people thought it was an April Fool's Joke. I wish it had been. The doctor  never figured out what caused the bleeding but the OR was on stand-by when I arrived because the first thought was placenta abruptio, which was my thought in the shower and struck a chord of fear in me that I've only felt a few times in my life; hearing about the death of my dad and a couple times throughout Jacob's illness.

Thankfully, little Amy was born perfectly healthy later that day after a couple more slight scares (her heart rate dipping several times, talk of a c-section). 

My husband brought all the kids to the hospital that night to see Amy and all I can remember is as they walked around the corner of the curtains seeing Jacob's face light up with joy at the sight of his little sister. My eyes didn't move from his face - his beautiful little face...because I knew that he has just been at an appointment that was focused on making him comfortable in the months to come. I knew that in one week's time I would be at another appointment getting his hospice set up.  

That is why Amy's birthdays have been fraught with emotions each year. We are so, so blessed with her in our lives, but the memories of the day of her birth are to this day very anxiety-inducing for me. Heart-breaking. 

Last year on Facebook my post was: 

We all went out to eat at Dairy Queen tonight for Amy's birthday. I was feeling sad, thinking that Jacob should have been there and that it isn't the same as a "family" without him. As we were eating I noticed that a teen girl sitting behind us was wearing a Dance Marathon t-shirt (the charity at the U of I Hospital which was a huge part of Jacob's cancer journey. Then as we are pulling out of the parking lot I see a big truck with the word "Jacob's Trucking". Ben still was rolling his eyes at me so I said, "It's so obvious. I bet if you looked outside you would have seen a hummingbird!" He replies, "Like the hummingbird tattoo that the lady sitting by the door had?"
I know Jacob is with us today. And always.

Certain days in this journey are just extremely hard, as I'm sure they will always be. It's just the way it is.
 

March Arrives

Spring will arrive soon (sooner or later)

First day at the new job for hubby (going back to warehouse work)

Starting the hunt for an acreage

Making summer plans

Living Life 
 

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

My children are of the age that they see what they can get away with. They do something they want to do and then lie about it in order not to get in trouble. Typical child behavior. As their mom, I'm pretty good at telling when they lie and most of the time they are good about fessing up right then because they realize that it is the lie they will get in trouble for, not the act that prefaced the lie. God is much the same - He knows when we are lying. He will easily forgive us for doing a wrong act but if we are lying to ourselves or others about it THAT is what will get us into trouble.

I HATE LIES. Lies are of the devil. 

Kindness and honestly are the two most important qualities of any person, wouldn't you agree? I'm so thankful that my husband has those qualities and that my children are learning them. 

It's not your wealth, your power, or your beauty that is impressive. It is your character. You can't buy that. :)

Wild

I started and finished Wild by Cheryl Strayed over the weekend.
I am so torn on how to review this book. I was bawling through the first chapter, detailing the death of Strayed's mother. It takes some good writing to make me cry so I knew she had that down pat. The book itself kept my attention all weekend. I loved reading about the PCT and her journey; even if she was ill-prepared and quite stupid to tackle this endeavor with no hiking experience under her belt. Maybe that is WHY I like this book - getting lost in the wilderness in order to find yourself appeals to me greatly. As a matter of fact, after reading this book and others about hiking I truly have it on my bucket list to at least do a several day hike somewhere.

 On the other hand, Strayed is a very self-absorbed woman. She basically used her mother's passing as an excuse to sleep around and ruin her marriage (which was a perfectly love filled one if we are to believe her writing) and become a junkie. Only a junkie would write about heroin as though it was just a recreational drug that she could "stop whenever she wanted to". Taking opium in some guy's truck in a parking lot? Drinking mixed drinks with complete strangers? Sounds smart. While grief can do many things to you, I did not view Strayed in a good light at all throughout the book. She is so self-serving and makes herself seem like such a queen bee. Almost every single person she meets in the book either tells her how hot she is, how pretty she is, wants to sleep with her, wants to be her.

 So while I enjoyed the book, I do not like the author. I can't imagine why so many reviews call her an inspiration. Because despite her complete stupidity she is still alive?

It has sparked a wish list of longer hikes for my family to-do list for the summer. Because my husband is starting a new job next month (more about that later), he won't have any vacation days for quite awhile, so we will be planning day-cations for our vacation this year. Hiking will be involved in many of them! 
 

Hope Unfolding

I get it, Momma. I totally get it. Every day you wake up and try your very best. You love, give, and pour out your life for the ones who call you Momma. But no matter how much you offer, there are still days you feel as though you come up short. You worry, Am I loving these babies enough? Is this ever going to get easier? Why does it seem like I am the only one who cannot balance it all?

 Sometimes, we just need hope (and maybe a long uninterrupted nap). We need someone to help tune our hearts to the voice of the Father and to remind us that He has not forgotten about us. Hope Unfolding by Becky Thompson

This book is a breath of fresh air when it comes to mothering books in the publishing world. Never once did I feel chastised or told how to parent. As a matter of fact, Thompson makes it clear, over and over again, that YOU are doing the best you can and that the best is always good enough. 

Thompson doesn't tell you how to change your life. Or let you know that if you do things her way it will be the right way. She meets you where you are and basically reiterates what you already know - being a momma is hard but leaning on God makes this whole parenting thing a bit more clear and so totally worth it. 

This book was like chatting with a friend over a cup of tea about marriage, motherhood, messes, and more. It left me feeling uplifted and with hope that this life is the one that was mapped out for me by God. 

This book was given to me by Blogging for Books in exchange for my honest opinion.
 

View From Here

Cats in Paris

Cats in Paris: A Magical Coloring Book by Won-Sun Jang is different than my typical coloring books.

It's a coloring book of the secret world of cats as they explore the city's famous parts.

I thought there would be more of Paris, but many of the pages are simple collages. Some pages are very detailed, 

whereas others are pretty simplistic.

I ordered this one to color with the kids so am very happy with the more simple illustrations on certain pages. The kids will learn a bit of history of Paris while coloring their favorite animal - cats! 

I will enjoy the more detailed pages, especially any involving books! That cover just spoke to me - cats and books being two of my favorite things!

This book was given to me by Blogging for Books in exchange for my honest review.
 

JOY

December has been a difficult month for me. Yesterday morning I prayed for peace, comfort, and joy for my family for the upcoming week.  

 On a walk yesterday afternoon, walking over the bridge, I came to an abrupt halt when I noticed J O Y in the water. Upon closer inspection, it's just a piece of bubble wrap and the letters were where water had pooled on top of the plastic. This photo doesn't even show the real clarity of how perfectly formed the J O Y were. ‪

In the mail I received this handmade card from a dear friend:

"Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20

This is the second year that the JOY banner has hung from Jacob's Ladder:

God's little whispers are sometimes easy to miss, His blessings easy to dismiss. A card expressing Joy and Peace for us, the J O Y in the stream. Things I prayed for just that morning. Arriving at the perfect time, in the most unexpected of ways.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." -Ralph Hodgson
 

Cocoon

This has been my view recently in the evenings. After a full day of school and mommying (this should be a real word. If twerking is now in the dictionary, mommying should be too!) I retreat to the bedroom when hubby arrives home to relax and recharge. It's been a cloudy December, albeit warm, it's been somewhat dreary. I feel as though I've gone into hibernation mode. Twilight the other day gave the outside world a blue hue for a moment. It was beautiful. As well as otherworldly. Perfect for my mood as I once again wrap us up in our own cocoon as another holiday approaches. ‪#‎grieve‬ ‪#‎childloss‬ ‪#‎beautyfromashes‬ ‪#‎viewfromhere‬

5 Years

December 16, 2010 is a date forever seared on my brain. It's the day I posted this onto Facebook:

 "I don't even want to write these words, as they are a mother's worst nightmare. We found a very large tumor in Jacob's abdomen today and the doctor is pretty sure it is a Wilms tumor or something very similar...which in a nutshell is kidney cancer. He has a CT scan tomorrow morning. Please, please pray for him...I don't want my little boy to have to go through this."

It's the day that everything changed.

I think that may be one reason (upon many) that December is such a hard month for me. I relive this day over and over again. 

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not having pity parties for myself. Grief is neither of those. It never ends. There is no time limit to it. I will, forever and ever, until I am with Jacob again, miss him.    

I am a bereaved mother. My husband is a bereaved father. My children are missing their brother. That will never change.

It gets old for the people around me, I'm sure. December is supposed to be a happy time. You know, the most wonderful time of the year and all that. Which is exactly one of the reasons that it is the hardest time of the year for those missing someone.

My Grandma used to want to spend Christmas Eve alone. I didn't understand it growing up, as Christmas Eve to my family was gathering together and was more special to me than Christmas Day. Now I understand. Even 5, 10, 15, 20+ years after becoming a widow, she wanted that night to herself. Her ritual was little treats that she saved throughout the year and probably a glass of wine. A darkened room, lit only by the flicker of a candle or the lights on the Christmas tree. A night that used to be filled with her husband, family, and rituals now became a night reserved for memories of those times. I get that so much now.

Five years ago today our world was turned upside down. It can never be the same again. That is the price of love and loss.  
 

An Awful Hole

 
 

Something to Wear

Something you want... Something you need... Something to wear... Something to read...

Those are the four Christmas gifts that we purchase for the kids. When it comes to the wear aspect I like to pick up something original. For the older kids original can be a challenge as fun items don't always come in larger sizes (and they may not want to wear anything a little off the wall!), so hats or cute socks fit the bill for them. 

For Amy I can go a bit wild and have fun. I've run across two new designers that I just love this year. I try to support work at home mamas. While the items will be more expensive than ones you will find in stores, they are handcrafted, made in the US, and because of their originality they often have an awesome resale value. This is not a sponsored post, I just wanted to share two favorite stores of mine! No referral links included either. ;)

The Measure has such adorable sundresses. I purchased their grab bag last month and loved the dresses I received. The styles are classic ones reminiscent of my own childhood when sundresses were a summer staple. The dress pictured below is perfect for layering for winter, where as the others I have are a light material perfect for our hot summer days.     

Nook's Design uses vintage linens, lace, and buttons by up-cycling items. You all know my love of vintage linens...so to find a business that makes dresses out of thrift store finds is amazing!!! I ran across this designer on Kidizen and purchased the dress below at a fraction of what it cost new. It fits Amy perfectly as a tunic and the material is amazingly soft!!!

I'm keeping a lookout on her shop because her items seem to go quick and I've fallen in love with several pieces that are sold out (rompers with real mink collars! dresses make from vintage quilts!). 

Support homemade if you can this holiday season!