Everyday Holy

Everyday Holy by Melanie Shankle is like sitting down with a good friend and having an encouraging conversation. Shankle writes in a light hearted tone about deep (and not so deep) issues that I believe all women face.

In the introduction alone she states "And that is what you'll find in these pages - little pieces that point us to a big God." THAT is how I find God to be in my life - directing me little by little and letting my faith lead me to Him.

Shankle does not have a "holier than thou" attitude and does not talk down in this devotional. While it's chaptered into 100 devotionals I found myself reading it more as a book because I didn't want to stop!

This book was given to me by BookLook Bloggers in exchange for my honest review.

A Memory a Day for Moms

As someone who enjoys looking on Facebook "On This Day" to see funny things my kids said in the past, or see adventurous things we did, I love the idea of this journal. Answering the same question on the same day five years in a row lets us see how things change and what happened on particular days. Some examples of questions are "What is your child's favorite tv character" and "What has been a big encouragement to you lately?" I've had a lot of fun answering these questions and think this will be a treasure and keepsake as my children grow up!
This book was given to me by BookLook Bloggers in exchange for my honest review.

The Magic of Motherhood

By page two of the Introduction I already knew The Magic of Motherhood by Ashlee Gadd and writers from "Coffee + Crumbs" would be a good book. The sentence " Rather than offering advice, we're offering ourselves" drew me in. And offer of themselves, they did. Each essay was real, raw, and so heartfelt that you could imagine you were across the table with the authors, having a face to face discussion about motherhood.

   In the "picture perfect online life" it's easy to feel less than the perfect mothers with the magazine worthy home and the fairy tale children so it's a breath of fresh air to read a book of the true struggles, and real rewards, of motherhood. It's not a parenting advice book in the least but offers the best advice of all - we all just make this up as we go and pray that our best was good enough.

This book was given to me by BookLook Bloggers in exchange for my honest opinion. 
 

Only Love Today

Only Love Today by the best-selling author of Hands Free Mama, Rachel Macy Stafford, reminds us to breathe more, stress less, and choose love. It is separated into sections based on the four seasons and is a book of encouragement rather than a devotional.

The premise is a good one but I was reminded while reading this of why I didn't finish her first book, Hands Free Mama. Stafford tells us what to do instead of how to do it. The writing is often too poetic to really get deep and I feel that I'm reading one of those memes where someone is trying to tell a depressed person to "cheer up!" and they are like "Why didn't I just think of that?! All better now!"

   Don't get me wrong, there is a lot of good in this book but I didn't feel those earth shattering insights that I get from other books. I stopped half way as I was already starting to feel like the book became repetitive.   

This book was given to me by BookLook Bloggers in exchange for my honest review.
 

Pressing Pause

Pressing Pause by Karen Ehman & Ruth Schwenk gives you 100 quiet moments for moms to meet with Jesus. Each devotion begins with a Bible Verse, followed by a section written by one of the two authors, ending with a prayer and a question to answer.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, in order to have a relationship with God we need to spend time with him. Daily. If we are the company that we keep shouldn't we be spending the most time with Jesus? As a busy mom it can be difficult to really just sit down and listen to His word. I've found devotionals to be the answer to the problem. This book is filled with 100 short devotionals that can be done in ten minutes or less. If I read one in the morning the message stays with me all day, if I read it at night I can meditate on the passage while drifting off to sleep. 

What I like especially about this devotional is that the message basically boils down to the fact that all mothers, in all walks of life, are doing their best. And when we feel like a failure, or start to compare ourselves to others, or feel tired and alone - we can get encouragement from other women who are in the same boat. There is no preaching, only encouragement in this devotional.

It's also a very beautiful, hardbound book so perfect to gift to other mothers that may need a little confidence in the motherhood journey. We are all in this together, mamas!

This book was given to me by BookLook Bloggers in exchange for my honest review.
 

Emotional Fool

My baby turns three today! My little April fool.

Her birthday is a challenge for me. I vividly remember the day that she was born. It was the day of Jacob's Palliative care chemotherapy appointment. The day before I had decided to just send my husband and mom to it as I didn't want to be 70 miles away from home when I was 4 days overdue.

It turns out that my husband wasn't able to go to the appointment either since I ended up in labor that day.

It was a very, very emotional day. I asked my mom to go ahead with the appointment but was so worried about Jacob all day. Would he be nervous being at the clinic with just my mom? Would something be said in front of him that would make him scared? It turned out to be a good day with Grandma for him but knowing that your mom was hearing palliative care information about your sweet boy while you are in labor is a thing you just don't ever forget.

I'm sure that when my mom posted on her Facebook wall that morning that I had been rushed to the hospital by ambulance due to bleeding heavily that many people thought it was an April Fool's Joke. I wish it had been. The doctor  never figured out what caused the bleeding but the OR was on stand-by when I arrived because the first thought was placenta abruptio, which was my thought in the shower and struck a chord of fear in me that I've only felt a few times in my life; hearing about the death of my dad and a couple times throughout Jacob's illness.

Thankfully, little Amy was born perfectly healthy later that day after a couple more slight scares (her heart rate dipping several times, talk of a c-section). 

My husband brought all the kids to the hospital that night to see Amy and all I can remember is as they walked around the corner of the curtains seeing Jacob's face light up with joy at the sight of his little sister. My eyes didn't move from his face - his beautiful little face...because I knew that he has just been at an appointment that was focused on making him comfortable in the months to come. I knew that in one week's time I would be at another appointment getting his hospice set up.  

That is why Amy's birthdays have been fraught with emotions each year. We are so, so blessed with her in our lives, but the memories of the day of her birth are to this day very anxiety-inducing for me. Heart-breaking. 

Last year on Facebook my post was: 

We all went out to eat at Dairy Queen tonight for Amy's birthday. I was feeling sad, thinking that Jacob should have been there and that it isn't the same as a "family" without him. As we were eating I noticed that a teen girl sitting behind us was wearing a Dance Marathon t-shirt (the charity at the U of I Hospital which was a huge part of Jacob's cancer journey. Then as we are pulling out of the parking lot I see a big truck with the word "Jacob's Trucking". Ben still was rolling his eyes at me so I said, "It's so obvious. I bet if you looked outside you would have seen a hummingbird!" He replies, "Like the hummingbird tattoo that the lady sitting by the door had?"
I know Jacob is with us today. And always.

Certain days in this journey are just extremely hard, as I'm sure they will always be. It's just the way it is.
 

Sicko

We've had a yucky cold making it's rounds through the house for a good month and it finally set up residence in me. I think it's the same strain that made my brother progress into pneumonia so I've been trying to take it easy around here.

Saturday I spent most of the day in bed with some good books and a lot of rest. I'm so thankful that my husband was home and steered the kids clear of the bedroom. He even had some 7-UP and my favorite treat waiting for me once I got up. 

Sunday dawned a beautiful spring-like day so I managed to settle myself on the porch while the kids played in the yard and salvaged enough energy to get some seeds started indoors.

Yesterday was more time spent outdoors and a burst of energy at 10:30 at night found me deep cleaning the kitchen.

Today it's Amy and I with runny noses and myself with a sinus pressure headache. We've been lucky this winter though as it's really been our only full blown yucky sickness and we're getting over it slowly but surely.
 

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

My children are of the age that they see what they can get away with. They do something they want to do and then lie about it in order not to get in trouble. Typical child behavior. As their mom, I'm pretty good at telling when they lie and most of the time they are good about fessing up right then because they realize that it is the lie they will get in trouble for, not the act that prefaced the lie. God is much the same - He knows when we are lying. He will easily forgive us for doing a wrong act but if we are lying to ourselves or others about it THAT is what will get us into trouble.

I HATE LIES. Lies are of the devil. 

Kindness and honestly are the two most important qualities of any person, wouldn't you agree? I'm so thankful that my husband has those qualities and that my children are learning them. 

It's not your wealth, your power, or your beauty that is impressive. It is your character. You can't buy that. :)

Hope Unfolding

I get it, Momma. I totally get it. Every day you wake up and try your very best. You love, give, and pour out your life for the ones who call you Momma. But no matter how much you offer, there are still days you feel as though you come up short. You worry, Am I loving these babies enough? Is this ever going to get easier? Why does it seem like I am the only one who cannot balance it all?

 Sometimes, we just need hope (and maybe a long uninterrupted nap). We need someone to help tune our hearts to the voice of the Father and to remind us that He has not forgotten about us. Hope Unfolding by Becky Thompson

This book is a breath of fresh air when it comes to mothering books in the publishing world. Never once did I feel chastised or told how to parent. As a matter of fact, Thompson makes it clear, over and over again, that YOU are doing the best you can and that the best is always good enough. 

Thompson doesn't tell you how to change your life. Or let you know that if you do things her way it will be the right way. She meets you where you are and basically reiterates what you already know - being a momma is hard but leaning on God makes this whole parenting thing a bit more clear and so totally worth it. 

This book was like chatting with a friend over a cup of tea about marriage, motherhood, messes, and more. It left me feeling uplifted and with hope that this life is the one that was mapped out for me by God. 

This book was given to me by Blogging for Books in exchange for my honest opinion.
 

Stillness

This past weekend found me at a Yoga retreat, learning stillness. It was an overnight stay at the beautiful Shalom Retreat Center,
which has such a rich history of being a Motherhouse for sisters and later a boarding school. I walked around the building in awe several times.

The yoga room was relaxing and peaceful. Truly a place to just BE.

It was a spur of the moment decision for me to attend. I know the yoga instructor - she is an amazing woman and I would love to think of her as a mentor but don't feel worthy of that - and when I asked about the retreat next year, thinking it was full for this year, she mentioned having an opening due to a cancellation. The pieces just fell into place for me to be there.  

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to." J.R.R. Tolkien 

I was swept off on adventure, beauty, and reflection. It was a much needed time of healing for me. 

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

The women there each had a story. Each had a beauty of their own, each had compassion and a heart lit from within. 

I'll write more on this soon; I'm still processing my own thoughts on this precious weekend. To really be alone with yourself is the perfect time to connect with God. It makes you realize why so many monks and sisters live a solitary lifestyle. It's funny that just when I was thinking about this my little sister posted this verse on Facebook:  
'Return to me,' declares the Lord Almighty, 'and I will return to you,' says the Lord Almighty. ~Zechariah 1:3
 I never lost God. But I did get better reacquainted with Him this past weekend.

5 Years

December 16, 2010 is a date forever seared on my brain. It's the day I posted this onto Facebook:

 "I don't even want to write these words, as they are a mother's worst nightmare. We found a very large tumor in Jacob's abdomen today and the doctor is pretty sure it is a Wilms tumor or something very similar...which in a nutshell is kidney cancer. He has a CT scan tomorrow morning. Please, please pray for him...I don't want my little boy to have to go through this."

It's the day that everything changed.

I think that may be one reason (upon many) that December is such a hard month for me. I relive this day over and over again. 

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not having pity parties for myself. Grief is neither of those. It never ends. There is no time limit to it. I will, forever and ever, until I am with Jacob again, miss him.    

I am a bereaved mother. My husband is a bereaved father. My children are missing their brother. That will never change.

It gets old for the people around me, I'm sure. December is supposed to be a happy time. You know, the most wonderful time of the year and all that. Which is exactly one of the reasons that it is the hardest time of the year for those missing someone.

My Grandma used to want to spend Christmas Eve alone. I didn't understand it growing up, as Christmas Eve to my family was gathering together and was more special to me than Christmas Day. Now I understand. Even 5, 10, 15, 20+ years after becoming a widow, she wanted that night to herself. Her ritual was little treats that she saved throughout the year and probably a glass of wine. A darkened room, lit only by the flicker of a candle or the lights on the Christmas tree. A night that used to be filled with her husband, family, and rituals now became a night reserved for memories of those times. I get that so much now.

Five years ago today our world was turned upside down. It can never be the same again. That is the price of love and loss.  
 

The Weekend

Weekend Thankfulness:

*Exploring the downtown Christmas window walk with my sweet kiddos and cousin

*Grandma taking the kids to a movie which meant a walk around the neighborhood with hubby and dog (last time we walked sans kids was probably 6 years ago!)

*A family lunch together at the Chinese restaurant and being told "Your check has already been taken care of"

*McDonald's shakes for the kids which Jacob treated them to from a gift card he had received for his birthday in 2013 which I had been saving for a special time. A "just because" time seemed perfect - the rest of the card will be used on Jacob's birthday.

Weekend Thoughts:

*Our community is in an uproar now this season since the public school has decided that the yearly Christmas program is now just a "holiday" program and all songs pertaining to faith, Jesus, or Christianity will not be allowed. I'm curious to see how it plays out - I know the school board meeting tonight will be a lively one.

One person, one opposing view can cause so much strife. I have a friend who donated play equipment to a city park in honor of the twins that she lost. Parents are able to buy bricks engraved with their own children's names to be placed in the park and one picture option for the bricks was a cross. One person in her community caused so much dissension for the city stating that crosses have no place in a park (not even on a child's memorial brick!) that they had to take that option off the table. Whatever happened to the live and let live mentality?

 "You will be hated by all because of My name, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved." Matthew 10:22

It makes me glad to homeschool. Where we don't have to be "politically correct".      

St. Nicolas Day

Growing up we always celebrated St. Nicolas Day (December 6th) by placing our shoes on the doorstep and waiting for St. Nicolas to fill them with little gifts. My brother and I would try to "catch" my mom or dad filling the shoes but we never once did. 

"St. Nicholas is Nicholas of Myra, whose life spanned from the late third to the mid fourth centuries. He lived in present-day southern Turkey. 

The reputation of being a man of good deeds preceded him throughout the Christian world; some of the acts attributed to St. Nicholas include him providing dowries for three young women to save them from falling into prostitution, saving innocent people from execution, and feeding the poor during famines.

He strongly lived out Jesus' command to 'give all you have to the poor' and he did so, helping those who were most vulnerable: women and the poor. He lived the command to 'love your neighbor as yourself' by example." (source)  

St. Nicolas was said to have dropped little treasures in shoes of the poor when they were left at the door step at night, hence the reason so many use shoes, though several others fill their family stockings, instead of waiting until Christmas. The tradition varies with each family, with each culture.

We put the shoes on the doorstep or under the tree. It's filled with simple little trinkets, really. This year it's a piece of chocolate, some warm socks, and chap stick. And yet the kids love it. We tell the story of St. Nicolas beforehand and the excitement is palpable.

It's a way to make advent a more important time than just focusing on Christmas Day. What are some of your family traditions?    
 

Picture Thoughts

Every single morning I find Amy and Mr. Bean snuggling on the couch for a bit. 

Though he is a sweet cat, he usually won't come willingly to cuddle, except for the mornings for some reason. So this is the daily morning scene.

Smiles in pictures are rare for this girl. Though she is all smiles before, as well as after, the camera is in her face - she immediately poses for a photo by not smiling when she sees a camera. I call her my natural born model because she always does the model face when she sees a camera. Funny girl.

I've had people comment on where pictures of the other kids are as their photos are few and far between. I respect the fact that Becca often doesn't want her picture taken and even more rarely wants it to be posted to Facebook or my blog. And Joe is becoming much the same. We adults grew up without the easy access to cameras and immediate photos. I think that's a good thing. I'm not going to force my kids to get their photo taken if they don't enjoy it or post it online without their permission. I'll take photos as long as they will enjoy it and then keep the majority of their photos for family albums without plastering them online.

There is a balance between oversharing on a blog/Facebook. When it comes to my kiddos they do have a say in what I will or will not share about them. As goes for my husband as well - I will ask him before posting a photo or sharing thoughts which involve him. :) It's just the way we roll. In case you're wondering.    

Real

I've always loved this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit. Even more so these past few years.

Being immersed in a community of women and men who have lost a child is not something one would choose to do. It's an exclusive club which only the broken, battered, and shattered join. No one wants to be in this club. We all wish we could claw our way out but forever we will be the bereaved parents. Forever.

 The beauty in these people is real. I feel that when a piece of you is in heaven that it does radiate from within. The cracks within your heart illuminate more light than before. It's a catch 22 - we want our children back with all our hearts, but their absence has taught us so much. 

They taught us to be real.
 

Snow? Yes, Please!

This is the weather prediction for Friday evening.

Yes, we are in that possible 10" band. The first snow fall of the season tends to freak a lot of people out, which is strange because we live in Iowa. We should be used to snow, people! 

While I will be making a run to the grocery store tomorrow, it won't be to stock up on milk and bread, but rather to do my regular grocery shopping. Which will probably be a bad thing, amiss the people who are stocking up on bread and milk (and usually toilet paper) but also the two day sale that starts tomorrow as well. Opps, bad timing.

I'll admit that I'm kind of hoping that we do get this amount of snow. Not for my hubby, who will have to move snow at work (and probably at home - I think it's time to give that job to the kids though!). But for a fun snowed in Friday night. Christmas movies with my family, popcorn and eggnog, cracker and cheese platter, fresh fruit. 

Snuggling under quilts.

The first snowfall.

Candles illuminating our space.

It truly is the little things.
 

Life, Lately

This has been our weather the last several days. Damp, chilly, grey. Gloomy is the perfect word for it.

I kind of like it. It's giving us a chance to tuck in and be. A sort of cocoon to keep us indoors and slow down. There is a chance of snow flurries later this week and the kids are excited about that.

I'm excited about a small Thanksgiving break from school next week! For holidays we typically follow the school's schedule on breaks so we will have just a two day school week next week. 

We've only missed a couple days of school so far this year, less than the school has already had with teacher in-service days so we are on track.  

But I am so ready for a small break to rest and recoup. I think I'm looking forward to it more than the kids even! Homeschooling is a full-time job when it's mixed with mothering, homemaking, and life.

Speaking of Thanksgiving break - can you believe that Thanksgiving is so near?! I'm looking forward to spending time with family and then celebrating a joyous Advent season. 
 

Hands Free Life

Hands Free Life by Rachel Macy Stafford is a needed book in such a busy and plugged in world.


We all yearn to look back to find we lived a life of significance. But is it even possible anymore? Considering the amount of distraction and pressure that exists in society today, living a fulfilling life may seem like an unachievable dream. But it is not—not with the nine habits outlined in this book.

It's not so much about unplugging from screen time but rather plugging into life. What I really took away from this book, and it is something that I've come to realize fully these past few years, is that we need to be completely present for our children and families and that it is our children that will teach us the real meaning of life.

The best part is that this book teaches kindness and empathy. And how to pass those traits onto our children (or learn them from them). 

The "Hands Free Life Daily Declaration" throughout the chapters are encouraging and also words to mediate on. One is:

"Today when someone messes up, I will not keep track. Today when someone spills, I will not let out an exasperated sigh. Today I will meet blunders with "Everybody makes mistakes" or "That happens to me." Today I will take a page from the book of kindness and compassion. Today I will be the giver of second chances, the give of hugs, the giver of grace not just for those in my path but also for myself. And something tells me that my day will be better because of it."

It took me several weeks to get through this book. Not because I didn't enjoy it but rather because I wanted to savor each chapter.

This book was given to me by BookLook Bloggers in exchange for my honest review.  

 

Yes

Twelve

My first baby turned 12 today! She is such a beautiful, sweet girl and I just can't believe how quickly these past twelve years have gone.

We enjoyed a nice brunch out as a family. 

She wanted to go hiking afterwards so we walked off all that food on a two mile park trail in the woods.

When we arrived home Becca helped me make her cupcakes (she chose strawberry with vanilla cheesecake frosting). She took a bike ride with her friend and then returned home to help me cook supper - her choice of taco salad.

A friend messaged me as we were about to eat her cupcakes. She casually mentioned that she got another Coke bottle today with the name JACOB on it so decided to make a donation to St. Jude's in his name. She sent me the little confirmation notice of the donation, saying "Not sure why that notice says Happy Birthday!" I then told her maybe it's because it's Becca's birthday and he is wishing her a happy one. She couldn't believe it - she did not know it was Becca's birthday and there was no reason for that little "Happy Birthday" notice to be on the donation note. 

How awesome is that?! Becca beamed when I told her about it. I think she truly knows that her little bro is with her always still. Especially on her birthday.

Happy birthday, sweet Becca, from ALL of us.