Daily

Snippets of our grief recently have been:

Joe: "When I'm dying on the couch, can you get me M&Ms, Mom?" Said very matter of fact and without fear.

Finding myself sobbing in the car on the way to Jacob's grave, only to have a song from The Bee Movie (Here Comes The Sun) start playing on the radio. A song that always makes me think of Jacob, as he and I watched that movie over and over again while in the hospital.

Watching a video from our trip to Disney World two years ago. Hearing Jacob's sweet voice say "Candy, Mama!" and wanting to hear it over and over again.

Smelling Amy's head and remembering Jacob's fuzzy downy head smelling exactly like that as I kissed him goodnight for the final time. Closing my eyes as I took a deep whiff of her head again, wanting to go back five months to have one more chance to kiss his head. Yet one more time would never be enough.

Finding myself having conversations with Jacob in my head. Or just saying his name. Over and over again.

Asking Amy "Where's Jacob?" expecting her to look up at the photo on the wall that I talk to her about. Instead, she always looks out the window when asked that question.

It's all such a daily struggle, when your heart is hurting with it's missing piece.