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Tuesday, May 20, 2014

9 Months

Yesterday marked 9 months since Jacob went to Heaven. It's surreal; some days it feels like he was just with us and other days it feels like it has been years since I've seen him.

I notice that as time goes on some people distance themselves from us. This grief is all-consuming and people get tired of it. It's a downer. No one wants to be reminded of the unhappiness in life. The tragedy of losing a child.

Yet that is why grief really is so tiring. It never ends. I will never stop missing him. I will never stop thinking of him. I will never stop being reminded of him. 
It hits you at the oddest moments.

Driving past the park and seeing a boy sitting on the bench watching the other kids play. His body language reminds me of Jacob. Him sitting out while the other kids play reminds me of Jacob.  A sinking feeling.

Opening a can of baked beans. Remembering how much Jacob loved baked beans. Tears.

Garage sales. How Jacob loved garage sales. He was my little garage sale buddy. Seeing Star Wars toys for sale I knew he would love. A tightness in my chest. Feeling sick. Panicked.

Watching Amy laugh and play with her brother Joe. Knowing that she will grow up not knowing Jacob. Knowing how much Jacob would have loved playing with her. Complete and utter sadness.

This is life without one of your children. Grief becomes part of your life. 
 

8 comments:

  1. I can't even imagine. :( I think people distance themselves because they don't know how or what to say. I know its not the same, but I went through a period after Jayce was diagnosed with autism (which some people treat as a death sentence) that a lot of my friends just stopped calling and coming around. And the ones that did stay... well, they didn't understand. Its taken years to develop a new friendship base. Some of my new friends are ones I've found at Autism Support Groups.

    I don't think you ever will stop missing Jacob and I don't think you should feel like you have to.

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  2. Jess, you are so right. I think it all comes down to "empathy". While we can never understand everyone's situations, "trying" to understand them is what a true friend will do.

    I think it boils down to the fact that people want to put their head in the sand or not be reminded of the sadness in the world, so distant themselves from situations that aren't ideal. It isolates people like us even more, because it is something that we have to deal with every day of our life.

    It's true that through trials you find out who your friends are. Luckily, we have been blessed with sweet people coming out of the woodwork throughout this ordeal, as I am sure you have been too...finding kindred spirits at the Autism Support Groups. <3

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  3. I've been trying to think of the "right" comment all day, but I can't, so I'll just say this: I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your grief. I'm sorry that people are backing away from you, and I hope that soon they realize their mistake and come back if that's what you want from them.

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  4. Sending you love & prayers... xox

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  5. Never feel like you cannot bring up your sweet son. I am so sorry for your loss and if writing about him helps, I am happy to virtually listen!
    Elizabeth

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  6. I, too, was going to wait to comment, not knowing the right thing to say. Maybe there is no right thing since, truly, nothing can make your grief go away. It is a part of you and always will be. When you are exhausted by it, know you are prayed for and thought of by strangers who were touched by your sweet son. Many hugs to you.

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