Yesterday marked 9 months since Jacob went to Heaven. It's surreal; some days it feels like he was just with us and other days it feels like it has been years since I've seen him.
I notice that as time goes on some people distance themselves from us. This grief is all-consuming and people get tired of it. It's a downer. No one wants to be reminded of the unhappiness in life. The tragedy of losing a child.
Yet that is why grief really is so tiring. It never ends. I will never stop missing him. I will never stop thinking of him. I will never stop being reminded of him.
It hits you at the oddest moments.
Driving past the park and seeing a boy sitting on the bench watching the other kids play. His body language reminds me of Jacob. Him sitting out while the other kids play reminds me of Jacob. A sinking feeling.
Opening a can of baked beans. Remembering how much Jacob loved baked beans. Tears.
Garage sales. How Jacob loved garage sales. He was my little garage sale buddy. Seeing Star Wars toys for sale I knew he would love. A tightness in my chest. Feeling sick. Panicked.
Watching Amy laugh and play with her brother Joe. Knowing that she will grow up not knowing Jacob. Knowing how much Jacob would have loved playing with her. Complete and utter sadness.
This is life without one of your children. Grief becomes part of your life.