Every. Little. Thing. stirs up hard decisions. If I were to bring the stockings out would I leave Jacob's in the box? Would I put his up along with ours? Would I leave it empty as a hourly reminder that there is an empty spot in our family? Would I buy something to put in it...and then do what with the gift?
It's so much easier not to decide any of that at all and just forgo the stockings this year.
While roaming the toy aisle at Walmart I walked through the LEGO aisle and wanted to burst out crying and run out of the store. The last time I was in that aisle was with Jacob. He was in a wheelchair, hooked up to oxygen, and tired of being at home so his daddy and I took him for a quick jaunt to pick out a LEGO set. He didn't find what he wanted but we bought him a soda on the way out of the store and drove home to the Hospice workers who were watching our other children for us.
Those memories hurt. Doing something as simple as buying stocking stuffers, for only three of my four children, hurts.
It's no wonder I wish I could just skip this month. I'm tired. I'm sad. And I have children who have been through so much these past few years that I feel like everything has to be extra special. That, in itself, is exhausting.
No Christmas cards. No baking. Minimal decorating. It's all I can handle this year. And really, that's okay.
But it's mommy blogs like this that make any normal human feel inferior. Who has time/money/resources to do this?
Luckily, blogs like this bring us back to reality. What you see isn't usually what you get on the internet, just snips and pieces of someone's life.
To keep it real - this month is hard. This month hurts.
This is our reality.
Sweet Elizabeth, My heart just hurts for you and your family. I wish I could make your pain vanish, I cannot, but I do pray for you and your family that our Lord will heal your broken hearts, even if just one little piece at a time. Wrapping you in lots of love precious one!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine needing to make these decisions on a daily basis. I continue to pray for your family through this. What if you put up his stocking, and have your kids write a memory they have of Jacob and put it in his stocking to send with Santa? (or whoever it is that fills your stockings!) The only problem with that is Amy will be left out. Maybe do it just for this year, this first Christmas? Just a thought. Maybe it will trigger some other idea for you.
ReplyDeleteOr you could get a gift that you know Jacob would like, put it in his stocking, and you and the kids could donate it to the children's hospital in Jacob's name?
ReplyDeleteThank you for the suggestions! We may have to do something like this every year in honor of him! <3
Delete(((Elizabeth))) Always in my thoughts & prayers... xox
ReplyDeleteThose above can say things so much better than I. Hope there will be some bright spots in your Christmas this year. Jacob is surely smiling on you as you make Christmas a special day for the rest of your family. Diane
ReplyDeleteBeth my niece Kelly passed away in 1995 she was 9 and my mom and sister still both hang her stocking every year as a reminder that she will never be forgotten. My heart goes out to you Ben and the kids as the holidays approach. We hope to see you next weekend when we head out to Manchester. We both love you all very much!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Julie. Seeing the stocking this year would just be too hard but next year I hope I can hang it up along with all the others. Jacob will always be a part of our family so I guess his stocking should always be up too. <3
Deletei was thinking along the same lines as leah spring. very good ideas.
ReplyDeletehugs and comforting prayers for you and your family.
deb
Elizabeth, Henry still picks out a gift for Tenney and I found another boy fighting cancer to send it to. We told Tenney we would do this. I too find the stockings tough though. Ours are hanging, but I think I'll just use them as a decoration. Some families leave notes to their child or favorite memories in them every year and them pull out previous year's each year. Henry is a bit too young for this though. Sending hugs! Wondering what our boys are up to this Christmas in Heaven.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for your family. I am so sorry and praying for comfort for you. I hope it helps.
ReplyDeleteElizabeth
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time.
ReplyDeleteBeth