Friday I went shopping at our local Walmart for stocking stuffers. Well, more like pile stuffers as I can't fathom the thought of getting out my boxes of Christmas decorations and digging through our stockings and running across Jacob's. So I'll probably just pile the "stocking" stuffers under the tree this year.
Every. Little. Thing. stirs up hard decisions. If I were to bring the stockings out would I leave Jacob's in the box? Would I put his up along with ours? Would I leave it empty as a hourly reminder that there is an empty spot in our family? Would I buy something to put in it...and then do what with the gift?
It's so much easier not to decide any of that at all and just forgo the stockings this year.
While roaming the toy aisle at Walmart I walked through the LEGO aisle and wanted to burst out crying and run out of the store. The last time I was in that aisle was with Jacob. He was in a wheelchair, hooked up to oxygen, and tired of being at home so his daddy and I took him for a quick jaunt to pick out a LEGO set. He didn't find what he wanted but we bought him a soda on the way out of the store and drove home to the Hospice workers who were watching our other children for us.
Those memories hurt. Doing something as simple as buying stocking stuffers, for only three of my four children, hurts.
It's no wonder I wish I could just skip this month. I'm tired. I'm sad. And I have children who have been through so much these past few years that I feel like everything has to be extra special. That, in itself, is exhausting.
No Christmas cards. No baking. Minimal decorating. It's all I can handle this year. And really, that's okay.
But it's mommy blogs like this that make any normal human feel inferior. Who has time/money/resources to do this?
Luckily, blogs like this bring us back to reality. What you see isn't usually what you get on the internet, just snips and pieces of someone's life.
To keep it real - this month is hard. This month hurts.
This is our reality.