(Note: This is not an April Fools Joke post!)
I received our church's newsletter in the mail today and it talked of cohabitation before marriage and the increase of it. I've noticed the same thing myself. It has become acceptable, even within religious circles. While my religion preaches against pre-marital sex and living together before marriage, there is a huge number of parishioners that still do it and think it is okay.
It is a sticky subject for me to talk about. How can I preach of the wrongs of these activities without ultimately judging those who do them? As my pastor preached, we can not make decisions for other people but we must promote our faith and the teachings of our church. I can be against pre-marital sex but that doesn't mean I hate those who choose it. I can be against divorce but that doesn't mean I dis-like those who are divorced. I can be against abortion but not hate the mother who had one. What it really means is that I am pro-marriage and pro-life and I will take a stand for it. It is not a personal crusade against anyone.
So let me preface this by saying that if you are living with someone out of marriage that is your choice. It doesn't mean you are a horrible person. I am against living together before marriage but I am not against you.
I, personally, don't get "living together". Granted, I can see why those who are not Christian may see it as okay, because if you don't follow the words of the Bible then there really is no reason to get married, except for the legal aspect of it. That is not what I am addressing today. What I don't "get" is how Christians who go to church and walk the walk can accept this as okay. I get that we all sin and pre-marital sex or cohabitation is just another sin, but it is an accepted one in so many circles. I know lying is bad and I may lie sometimes but I don't accept it and pass it off as okay since everyone is doing it. When did this stop being wrong?
Not only that, I don't see what the point is. If you love someone enough to live with them, why not love them enough to marry them? I was reading one of those tabloid magazines a few months back and they were interviewing one of the couples from the Bachelor. When asked if they had plans for marriage the woman answered that "She wanted to get to know him more to make sure that this guy was the right fit for her son before committing to marriage." That's a smart thing if you have a child, to make sure the man you are dating is right for your family. But...it went on to say that they are living together. So she doesn't know him well enough to see if he would be a good fit but he can live with her while she finds out?! Things like that make you go hmmm.
The risks of cohabitation are never presented in any form in our society, but the data is obvious. Less than half of cohabitating couples even marry. 40% of cohabitating households include children. The average duration of cohabitation is 1.3 years. Women are likely to cohabitate only once and that with the person they subsequetly marry; men are more likely to cohabitate with a series of partners. Divorce rate is much higher for people who cohabitate.
Cohabiters value independence and economic equality; whereas married persons generally value interdependence and the exchange of resources. These ideas can cause problems if the cohabiters do eventually end up marrying.
The reasons given by most people who live together before marriage:
*Fear or disbelief in long-term commitment
*Desire to test the relationship
*Independence
*Avoid Divorce (you know, "test the car before buying it" theory)
These are all reasons given by Christians. The fact is, more than half of all first marriages are preceded by cohabitation and it is done almost equally by both Christian and non. We Christians no longer have a foothold on better marriages as our cohabitation and divorce rates are just as high as non-Christians. In my circle of friends it is more common to find someone who has slept with/lived with a partner before marriage than one who has not. I don't go asking this kind of information (and would really prefer not to know!) but it is common knowledge because it is something that is talked about freely like the weather these days.Yes, marriage is a huge commitment. One not to be taken lightly in the least. But living together to test things out will not improve your relationship or make your marriage stronger. Quite frankly, I think the majority of us who are married can attest to the fact that there are some very hard times within a marriage and the only thing keeping us together during those times may be the sole fact that we made the commitment to one another and are married. Without that commitment, it is just too easy to leave the relationship during the bad times. The statistics prove that living together before marriage can/does hurt your marriage as the divorce rates are much higher.
Is it just that "playing house" is the cool thing to do these days? Should we test drive the car for a few years before deciding to buy? Is it not, in a sense, keeping us in limbo in life as it is an illusion of togetherness but in essence it means you are neither single nor married?
Your thoughts on this growing trend? 
I am guilt of cohabitating...more than once. I can say that it does bring to it more baggage than if we went the traditional route (and the way God intended it to be) and went through "courtship" before marriage. If we followed the Bible's directives on sex before marriage (or more approriately, the lack thereof) we would not be facing the disease and divorce rates that we do. We probably wouldn't be dealing with the depression (from broken hearts and the anxiety of living up to past loves) like we do. No, I am not THAT Polly-Anna'ish to believe that the world would be lollipos and birds singing if we waited until marriage to live together/have sex, but we sure would be in a much different (and dare I say a better) place as a society. Just my opinion, but luckily it's also God's opinion.
ReplyDeleteWhat do I tell my kids when/if they ask about my past infidelities...the truth...as it becomes age appropriate, of course. My husband and I were both married previously and we both brought enormous baggage to our marriage because of it.
Great post. And you're right...Christians are taking a lot softer of a role in pointing out what the Bible says about certain social issues. We are so darned afraid of offending someone that we smile and say, "Oh, to each his own..." I agree with you that we can share God's desires and directives on certain subjects without condemning, but I think too many of us are too afriad to speak the Truth in Love, so we just don't bother.
Thank you for your honest comment, Mandy P. I agree that much of the hurt in our society could be avoided if we all just followed His plan. Of course, it is great that we can live and learn and be forgiven as well. I just am shocked at how acceptable certain things have become in the Christian community as a way to be politically correct.
ReplyDeleteAgain, thank you for your comment and I completely agree!
I am alot older than you. Older than your mother and maybe your oldest follower. I am also a much more liberal thinker than you are. People have been living together for years now and I am not surprised or shocked by it. I do not, however, think it is the right thing to do. It seems like people date for a few months and the next thing you know, they are moving in with each other. If a couple had dated for a couple of years or are engaged, I could understand it better, but I don't get these almost casual living arrangements. I'm sure there are lots of couples who live together and then go on to have great marriages and good for them, but I also know the divorce rate is higher too. I find it very troubling when children are involved. Sets a bad example in my opinion. The pre marital sex thing does not bother me at all. I have never understood casual sex and never will, but if two people really care about each other, then I'm okay with it. My husband and I started having sex two months after we started dating. I was 19 and he was 24 and it was not the first time for either of us. We were married a year and a half later and this summer we will celebrate our 42nd anniversay so I can't say it hurt us. My daughter and her husband dated for 9 years before they got married. It would have been naive and unrealistic to think they would not have been having sex especially since they did alot of traveling together. It did not bother me at all. If I had to guess, I would say at least 95% of all couples have sex before marriage. It is accepted by almost everyone. Religions may be against it, but their followers are not.
ReplyDeleteA couple of things you say really don't make a ton of sense. "Women are likely to cohabitate only once and that with the person they subsequetly marry; men are more likely to cohabitate with a series of partners." The math here doesn't quite add up.
ReplyDeleteYou say you don't want to judge, but that is exactly what you are doing - and to other Christians, too! "What I don't "get" is how Christians who go to church and walk the walk can accept this as okay." Be a little gentler on those living in sin and (most probably) trying to get it right with God. It is difficult to align secular culture and Christianity. Maybe you should offer them some of your advice and support - volunteer as a mentor instead of throwing stones.
I also don't believe your statement "if you don't follow the words of the Bible then there really is no reason to get married, except for the legal aspect of it." I think you'd be surprised how few people view this in black and white.
Anonymous #1,
ReplyDeleteI wrote a long comment to you and then my computer froze so I lost it...will try it again without being too wordy. :)
I agree that living together before marriage is not new, it has been done since the dawn of time. But what is new is that within all circles it has become acceptable in order to be more politically correct. That is what I disagree with.
Congratulations on your 42 years of marriage, that is rare to see numbers like that now. I am glad that pre-marital sex did not affect your marriage in anyway but it would be naive of us both to say that it doesn't hurt society in the least. Children born out of wedlock, teens having sex too young, STDs, casual sex, and more all hurt society. The whole concept of sex has become so scewed that it is no longer reserved as something special between two people. Our society is now so sexualized that there is porn everywhere, sexual preditors everywhere, and casual sex everywhere we turn. Where pre-marital sex with someone who in end turns up to be your furture spouse may not seem harmful, our society has taken sex out of the concept that it was meant for. I wouldn't want to give something so special away to someone unless they were my spouse.
Anonymous #2-
ReplyDeleteI didn't think the math added up right on that either when I saw the statistics until I realized that let's say they questioned 100 women. All 100 lived with someone before marriage, 80 of them ended up marrying the man they lived with. 20 of them went on to have 1, 2, 3, or more additonal partners that they lived with. So the majority of the women really did marry who they lived with but the others went on to more relationships, hince how the guys could have lived with "those types" of girls in their prior relationships. The statistics are not scewed.
I am not throwing stones and tried to be as gentle as possible with those who may have lived with someone or are living with someone at the moment out of marriage. Please read paragraph three in my post. This is not to judge or blame anyone. It is asking WHY this practice (not these people) is now viewed as acceptable. As I mentioned, every single Christian makes mistakes and sins. I get that. No Christian is better than another one. What I don't get is when certain sins became acceptable and "no longer a sin"? I often hear "So and so are moving in together" as though it is wonderful news, whereas a parent would never exclaim out loud in public in a happy voice "My Timmy commited tax fraud and had an affair all in one month!" You know what I mean?
You're right, non-Christians do have other reasons to get married than just the legal aspects. They want to raise their children up in a married family, they want to spend the rest of their life with their partner, etc. I shouldn't have worded it so black and white. But I do understand how a non-Christian would not see anything wrong with living together from a moral standpoint.
Saw your thread over on BF and came to read your post. Here are my thoughts:
ReplyDeleteI am okay with living together before marriage in certain situations. I think if you are engaged and have intentions to get married I don't see anything wrong with living together before hand. I think it is a good idea to see the other persons living habits and really get the feel of what it would be like to live with them. But again, I think this is only an ok idea if you are engaged and have true intentions on getting married.
I do disagree with it 100% if you are just causally dating or if either party has a child (even if you are engaged). Under no circumstances should a child be exposed to their mom or dad's relationship in that way. I am divorced and it is in our divorce decree that a boyfriend or girlfriend cannot even spend the night while our daughter is in the house.
Hi, I saw this over on BF as well, and I thought I would put in my thoughts...
ReplyDeleteI was not raised in a religious household, although 90% of folks in my family are Catholic, but by the time my grandma raised me, she had stopped following the church. With that said, I am a 22 year old, mother of 2, with another on the way that is Cohabitating. My fiance and I have been together for 5 years, We were engaged prior to me getting pregnant,and in all honestly we have been engaged for almost 4 years. WOW I know, I never really thought too much into getting married, I was excited and I couldn't wait to make that committment, and I am still very ready.
Then comes our reasons that we have not made that journey, the first reason and ultimatly the biggest reason I would guess, my df wants me to have an actual wedding, although I would be happy with just going to the courthouse, that reason goes into our other reason, not having enough money to afford a wedding, because when you don't have a church, it makes it slightly more complicated. I am not against cohabitation, and in my case I know that df and I are going to be together, so I am content for now, but within the past few months I have been looking for my peace, I would really like to go to church, but feel very awkard just walking into one. Sorry this was so long
Interesting comments!
ReplyDeleteTo anonymous #2, I think you have some basics of Christianity blurred. As believers, we ARE to judge other believers. We are charged with lovingly helping them be more holy, more like Christ. Too many people who attend churches seem to think that judging equals condemnation. Rather, look at a judge in a court of law - he looks objectively at the facts and then hands down a solution. We are told to do the same with believers - look objectively at the situation, determine if there is a problem, and then work to correct it.
Who we are not called to judge is non-believers. They don't have the same standards as us, have no extrinsic reason to have our standards. When society's moral law doesn't include condemnation of premartial sex, why should they feel guilty about it? They only have the moral obligation to stop sinning once they themselves recognize it for the sin it is. And in that, only God can judge.
Here's the proof: (1 Corinthians 5:12-13, NLB)
It isn't my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. God will judge those on the outside; but as the Scriptures say, "You must remove the evil person from among you."
Beth, you are right that it's not our place to judge others. (Candice: Matthew 7:1-4 Your example is merely an admonition from Paul to the new Christians to avoid near occasions of sin, ie, because of the bad example to avoid those people who did things they knew were wrong.) You can say then, that a certain act or behavior is wrong, that you believe it is wrong, and yet not be judging people who are doing those things because you are not saying (or judging) that each person's intentions were bad, or that you knew what their intentions were.
ReplyDelete