Clean Up in Aisle 6!

There is a reason that comedies such as "The Middle" are wildly popular. The situations are so grossly exaggerated and yet sometimes they end up being exactly like real life.

Take shopping with children, for instance. Unless you have them all strapped down in a cart (even then there would be something to complain about) or have a cattle prod for the ones on hoof foot things just never go as planned.

Yesterday we awoke to gloomy skies. A week of being cooped up together due to a nasty cold had left us feeling crabby, confined, and sick of each other. Matters were not helped when I opened my closet to search for an outfit for the cooler weather only to find myself flipping through everything I owned and hating it all. A year filled with stress has helped to expand my waistline a bit lot, making what little I liked not look good anymore. Needless to say, opening my closet only helped to make me more depressed.

So spur of the moment I decided to pack the kids into the car and head off on an impromptu trip to go shopping! I had my happy face on and I was bound and determined to make this a fun trip, even if it killed us!

My first clue that the day wasn't about to go as planned should have been when it took an hour to get everyone ready just to head out. One unnamed child didn't want to wear socks, trying to make their already stinky sneakers twice as funky. Another child couldn't find their hat. One child was standing at the door raring to go and was getting angrier by the second that the rest of us were taking so long.

Our first stop was McDonald's where I purchased everyone a kid's meal to start our fun day off right. Nothing like feeding the kids some poison for a few moments peace on the way there. Actually, you won't hear me complain about the kids in the van...they are actually quite good travelers and it is typically relaxing driving with them (no, really!).

Anyhow, our first stop was Target, where I was mainly looking for some stylish boots and kitchen towels. We picked out the cart with the little twin caboose on the back so that both Jacob and Joe could ride together. The peace lasted for 39 seconds before Jacob started to need to stretch his legs out of the caboose and put his feet directly in my path as I pushed the cart. I repeatedly stepped and stumbled on his feet before demanding that he put them back in. By that time, Joe had decided he was finished with riding and wanted out. And Becca then wanted in, which then made Joe want back in. Then Jacob decided he wanted out, but Joe didn't want Becca to sit by him...and on and on it went. The worst part is I couldn't find neither the boots, nor the kitchen towels I was hoping to find. We left quickly, empty handed.

Next was PetSmart for dog food. Hoping to get in and out quickly I made a run for the dog food aisle and quickly scanned the clearance shelf to see if there was anything we needed. We got through the store fairly unscathed, except for the part when Jacob and Becca fought over "which dog was theirs". See, they have this game which they play whenever they see a dog (whether we are driving past one, one is walking past our house, or they see a cute picture of one). Whoever says "I get that dog!" first when they see a dog "gets the dog" (to do what with, I'm not sure!). But often times they fight over who said it first, or will try to trade their previous dogs for this new one. It gets old pretty fast. They started the game up again in the store and started to bicker over who got what...I was quickly able to divert their attention to the cages of hamsters and make a run for the counter in order to check out and get out!

Next stop was Kohls, where I was admittedly hoping to find some clothes that I liked. Immediately upon entering the store Jacob suddenly became freakishly super sensitive to touch and shrieked every time Becca "accidentally" brushed against him...which seemed to happen all too often for it to be an "accident". I scoured the clearance racks hoping to find something that I liked. I came up with several dresses for next summer (as if those will help me now!) that I wanted to try on.

I positioned the stroller outside the dressing room and told Becca and Jacob to stay put and brought Joe in along with me. Bringing an overactive child into a tiny dressing room is not the brightest idea as he instantly tried opening the door again and again. While slamming my purse with a bit more force than necessary on the purse hook I somehow managed to shave a large piece of my thumb off on the sharp metal. So now I'm bleeding in the dressing room with a child who continues to try to get the door open with background sounds of a shrieking child because his sister is touching him! I somehow managed to stop the bleeding, try the clothes on, and get out of the store alive (with two new dresses and a pair of cotton capris for next summer...all for $17 since the items were 80-90% off!...but which still won't help with my plight for WINTER clothing now!).

By this time I'm exhausted and about to just drive home but it was a 45 minute drive to "the city" and I couldn't give up yet. We made one more stop which was at Old Navy. Somehow within minutes Joe is out of the stroller and instead pushing Jacob up and down the aisles. Seeing as how the store was deserted and the children were behaving I let this continue, affording me a bit of browsing time. All was well until Joe rammed Jacob's knee into the edge of a shelf and he let out a wail. At this point I bought the shirt I was holding (again, on clearance, which was an additional 30% off so I only paid $4.50!) and called it a day.

Our very last stop was Panera Bread where I grabbed a bakers dozen of Cinnamon Crunch bagels (heat these in the microwave for 35 seconds and you will be in HEAVEN...thanks to Jacki for getting me hooked on these 11 years ago!). I'll be honest and say I ate three of these after arriving home (within a couple hours time, mind you, it's not like I'm a pig or anything!) and while that won't help my ever increasing waistline, it did make me feel better. It doesn't really matter, because I didn't buy a single thing to put in my closet for this winter, so I may just have to eventually fashion a mu mu out of a bedsheet.

When I imagine it on an episode of "The Middle" it's hilarious. When it happens to me, it's called my life. If only the writers on that show paid me a little for some of our real life experiences...