*Thrifty Living * Homeschooling * Natural Living * Creating * Baking * Learning * Exploring * Subscription Boxes * Childhood Cancer* Death of a Child*



Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Courage for the Unknown Season

Isn't it funny how God works, and gives us His messages at the exact perfect time? I had been remarking to a friend that with my youngest turning 5 years old soon and my oldest a teen that I was embarking upon a new season of life and it just felt "strange". That very night I picked a book from the top of my "to read" pile and it was Courage for the Unknown Season by Jan Silvious. It was perfect reading material at the perfect time.

We all have seasons of life and sometimes it can be a little scary navigating the unknown, but this book shows us how to do it with confidence and hope. From just the unknowns to big life changes that we didn't ask for, Silvious shows us that God shines brightest during those times of turmoil.

I gleaned a lot of wisdom from this book and will be keeping it on my shelves (which you know is a high honor in this house - only the best stay!).

This book was given to me by Tyndale Publishing in exchange for my honest review.

Monday, November 27, 2017

The Alphabet of Grief

The Alphabet of Grief by Andrea Raynor was so much more than I expected. For some reason I find "alphabet books" a bit kitschy but I wanted to give it a chance and am so glad I did. Raynor is a minister and hospice spiritual counselor and you can tell she writes this book with both wisdom and compassion. 

I've found that when you are thrown into grief you sometimes need a map to help you navigate the bumpy roads. It's unbelievable how reassuring it is to see that others have had the same thoughts and feelings before you and that it is all part of a normal grieving process. From topics such as Isolation and Loneliness to Joy, Kinship, and Rainbows (signs from above) this book truly is a comfort with a Christian perspective. I plan on purchasing another copy for myself to keep as I'm passing this copy on to a friend.
 This book was given to me by Blogging for Books in exchange for my honest review.
  
 

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Peace In The Face of Loss

I think one of the most helpful things in dealing with grief is meditation and reflection. Peace In The Face Of Loss by Jill Kelly has been one of the most helpful books I've read since losing Jacob close to four years ago. 

 While it is written by a mother who has lost a child and deals a lot with child loss I think it would be great for any type of loss (spouse, parent, sibling, etc.) as it is basically digging into God's word to understand why bad things may (will) happen in our life, how there is a purpose in our pain, how we can lean on God during those times, etc. As a matter of fact, I got so much more than comfort for my grief from this book but also some sound advice for dealing with anxiety, worry, and so on. It is a very comforting and wise book.
   
   I keep very few books after reading them but this will go onto my shelves. I have a small shelf (that is growing in size) of books dealing with loss that I reread or pull one out from time to time to give to a newly grieving person. This book is leather bound and a would make a great gift for someone who has lost a loved one.
 

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

It's Not Fair

Someone once remarked (funnily enough, it was in the comment section of this blog!) that "everything in life is a choice"

Bull.

Somethings in life are chosen for us, things that no one in life would choose. Melanie Dale does a wonderful job in It's Not Fair; Learning To Love The Life You Didn't Choose explaining how sometimes life just happens and we need to go with the flow.

Backed up by scripture and humor, this book digs deep into pain and purpose. I think by chapter two I was hooked when Dale exclaims "It's not fair! This isn't how it was supposed to happen!" and a shiver went up my spine when a whisper in my head said "Maybe this is exactly how it was supposed to happen." 

Who are we to judge what God places in our path? Is an 8 year old boy dying of cancer fair? No. Was there a purpose? Most certainly. 

Dale tells us it's okay to question God. It's okay to not like his answers or his plan. It's okay to tell Him what WE want. We are human, life is not fair, and it downright sucks sometimes. 

What I like most about this book is that while Dale has suffered different types of pain, and the stories from other women in the book are different than mine, the suffering brings us together. On page 149 she writes, "There's commonality in the ways that we fear, and there's commonality in the ways that we fail, and when we partner in pain, it gives way to sharing in the joy as well." 

Partner in pain. THIS. This is why I read books written by those who have suffered tremendous pain and grew from the ashes. This is why I feel an instant connection to other parents who have lost a child. This is why grief retreats work. Why the pain in a strangers eyes can soften my heart towards them. Because when we partner in pain we heal together.

This book touches on so many subjects that one in pain will experience. "All The Feels", "Coping Mechanisms For The Horribly Mangled", "Hell Is Other People...Or Is It Heaven?", "On God, Suffering, And Other Easy Subjects", and "What's Next?"

This is a book that will be placed on my bookshelf and pulled out during those "woe is me" moments. It will be shared with friends during their tough moments in life. A little laughter and a lot of support is what I found in this book.

This book was given to me by BookLook Bloggers for my honest review.
 

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Grieving the Loss of a Loved One

Grieving the Loss of a Loved One; A Devotional of Comfort as You Mourn by Kathe Wunnenberg is written by a mother who knows loss. It's not a cliche "get over your grief" type of book but rather a "I've been there, let me help you through this journey" devotional which lends you support and encouragement during your darkest days.

What I like best about this devotional is that you can turn to the topic that is most fitting for the mood you are feeling that day. Is it anger? Sadness? Is it a special anniversary or holiday? Wunnenberg seems to have hit each mood and memory in this devotional and there is comfort for whatever mood you may be in. 

This would be very comforting gifted to someone who has recently lost someone special. 

This book was given to me by BookLook Bloggers in exchange for my honest review. 

 

Monday, June 6, 2016

Colors of Goodbye

I sometimes wonder if I am a glutton for punishment. There was no mistaking when I picked up Colors of Goodbye by September Vaudrey that it would be an emotional book, after all, it's a memoir of holding on, letting go, and reclaiming joy in the wake of loss. 

I figured it wouldn't be as emotional for me since Katie was older (19) and died in a different way than my own (car accident after an aneurysm). I was wrong. Reading the pain, the memories, the thoughts of a mother who lost a child is just as gut wrenching no matter the age, no matter the way the child passed. As heartbreaking as this book was, it also was deeply healing.

While I recommend this book to anyone who has lost a child or knows someone who has lost a child or someone else close to them, I'd also recommend it to anyone human, as it shows that one can face the ultimate pain in life and still see the good. As Vaudrey points out on page 226: "Life is hard, and tragedy strikes. Also, life is stunningly beautiful. Both/and. But our circumstances do not have the power to steal our joy without our permission. If our purpose, our identity, our sense of God's direction hinged upon a pain-free life, how precarious the world would be. How weak God would be. How few would ever find joy."

"I now knew from personal experience that the same God who allows pain to enter our lives also sends us comfort, His presences, and more strength than we thought we possessed. And with the sorrow, He extends an invitation for the transformation of our character and a richer, wiser appreciation of life."

Vaudrey writes with such passion about Katie and the rest of her family that you fall in love with them all and feel their pain. She digs deep into what a loss such as this can do to a person, to a family, to a marriage. But she also brings hope, as well as perspective. "As much as I hate the answer I got when I prayed for Katie, I can't call foul. God never guaranteed me a lifetime with her. He never promised me any of the blessings I get to treasure every day. He promises us comfort in sorrow, strength when our own fails, inexplicable peace, His presence in storms, and life in all its fullness for those who follow Him - but not a pain-free life. And the things He promises, He delivers."

This is such a beautiful book, both the writing as well as the family pictures and Katie's artwork.

This book was sent to be by Tyndale Publishing in exchange for my honest review.
 

Friday, April 1, 2016

Emotional Fool

My baby turns three today! My little April fool.
Her birthday is a challenge for me. I vividly remember the day that she was born. It was the day of Jacob's Palliative care chemotherapy appointment. The day before I had decided to just send my husband and mom to it as I didn't want to be 70 miles away from home when I was 4 days overdue.

It turns out that my husband wasn't able to go to the appointment either since I ended up in labor that day.

It was a very, very emotional day. I asked my mom to go ahead with the appointment but was so worried about Jacob all day. Would he be nervous being at the clinic with just my mom? Would something be said in front of him that would make him scared? It turned out to be a good day with Grandma for him but knowing that your mom was hearing palliative care information about your sweet boy while you are in labor is a thing you just don't ever forget.

I'm sure that when my mom posted on her Facebook wall that morning that I had been rushed to the hospital by ambulance due to bleeding heavily that many people thought it was an April Fool's Joke. I wish it had been. The doctor  never figured out what caused the bleeding but the OR was on stand-by when I arrived because the first thought was placenta abruptio, which was my thought in the shower and struck a chord of fear in me that I've only felt a few times in my life; hearing about the death of my dad and a couple times throughout Jacob's illness.

Thankfully, little Amy was born perfectly healthy later that day after a couple more slight scares (her heart rate dipping several times, talk of a c-section). 

My husband brought all the kids to the hospital that night to see Amy and all I can remember is as they walked around the corner of the curtains seeing Jacob's face light up with joy at the sight of his little sister. My eyes didn't move from his face - his beautiful little face...because I knew that he has just been at an appointment that was focused on making him comfortable in the months to come. I knew that in one week's time I would be at another appointment getting his hospice set up.  

That is why Amy's birthdays have been fraught with emotions each year. We are so, so blessed with her in our lives, but the memories of the day of her birth are to this day very anxiety-inducing for me. Heart-breaking. 

Last year on Facebook my post was: 

We all went out to eat at Dairy Queen tonight for Amy's birthday. I was feeling sad, thinking that Jacob should have been there and that it isn't the same as a "family" without him. As we were eating I noticed that a teen girl sitting behind us was wearing a Dance Marathon t-shirt (the charity at the U of I Hospital which was a huge part of Jacob's cancer journey. Then as we are pulling out of the parking lot I see a big truck with the word "Jacob's Trucking". Ben still was rolling his eyes at me so I said, "It's so obvious. I bet if you looked outside you would have seen a hummingbird!" He replies, "Like the hummingbird tattoo that the lady sitting by the door had?"
I know Jacob is with us today. And always.
Certain days in this journey are just extremely hard, as I'm sure they will always be. It's just the way it is.
 

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Unsolicited

I heard Lady Gaga's song "Til It Happens to You" for the first time yesterday. While it is about sexual assault, the words actually apply to so many situations. It resonated with me deeply as a bereaved mother. I ask all of you to listen to it (unless you are offended with the use of the hell word...though I find it quite fitting for this song).

Having dealt with a sick little boy for two years, and then a terminal one for 8 months, I received a lot of unsolicited advice. Word to the wise: it is not helpful. From being told treatments that WOULD work (go to Mexico!) to being told that I have to take some time for myself (unless you are offering to watch my kids while I do so your words are worthless). Having someone say "Take it one day at a time and enjoy every moment (easy for you to say, your child isn't dying). I could go on and on but my point is that while I remind myself that these comments are usually made with love or concern, they are not helpful. Unless you've been through it, you don't have any idea. The best advice for these situations is no advice at all. Offer prayers, or help, or a listening ear.

Even now, in my journey of grief (which WILL last a lifetime, there is no "getting over" the loss of a loved one), advice sometimes flows from someone's mouth that is more hurtful than helpful. And yet, I SAVOR the advice from other bereaved mothers. "Til it happens to you, what the h*$l do you know" is true.

This applies to pretty much any situation. Unless you've walked a mile in someone's shoes put all your criticisms, judgement, and "advice" aside. When you truly care for someone you will be a support for them, not a thorn in their side.

Now, go listen to this song!       
 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Stillness

This past weekend found me at a Yoga retreat, learning stillness. It was an overnight stay at the beautiful Shalom Retreat Center,
which has such a rich history of being a Motherhouse for sisters and later a boarding school. I walked around the building in awe several times.


The yoga room was relaxing and peaceful. Truly a place to just BE.
It was a spur of the moment decision for me to attend. I know the yoga instructor - she is an amazing woman and I would love to think of her as a mentor but don't feel worthy of that - and when I asked about the retreat next year, thinking it was full for this year, she mentioned having an opening due to a cancellation. The pieces just fell into place for me to be there.  
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to." J.R.R. Tolkien 

I was swept off on adventure, beauty, and reflection. It was a much needed time of healing for me. 
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." -Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

The women there each had a story. Each had a beauty of their own, each had compassion and a heart lit from within. 

I'll write more on this soon; I'm still processing my own thoughts on this precious weekend. To really be alone with yourself is the perfect time to connect with God. It makes you realize why so many monks and sisters live a solitary lifestyle. It's funny that just when I was thinking about this my little sister posted this verse on Facebook:  
'Return to me,' declares the Lord Almighty, 'and I will return to you,' says the Lord Almighty. ~Zechariah 1:3
 I never lost God. But I did get better reacquainted with Him this past weekend.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Light

With the shortest day of the year behind us yesterday with the Winter Solstice we now have a bit more daylight everyday from here on out. 

 
Chunky and noisy,
but with stars in their black feathers,
they spring from the telephone wire
and instantly
they are acrobats
in the freezing wind.
And now, in the theater of air,
they swing over buildings,
dipping and rising;
they float like one stippled star
that opens,
becomes for a moment fragmented,
then closes again;
and you watch
and you try
but you simply can't imagine
how they do it
with no articulated instruction, no pause,
only the silent confirmation
that they are this notable thing,
this wheel of many parts, that can rise and spin
over and over again,
full of gorgeous life.
Ah, world, what lessons you prepare for us,
even in the leafless winter,
even in the ashy city.
I am thinking now
of grief, and of getting past it;
I feel my boots
trying to leave the ground,
I feel my heart
pumping hard. I want
to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to be light and frolicsome.
I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing,
as though I had wings. 
Starlings in Winter
~Mary Oliver
 

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

JOY

December has been a difficult month for me. Yesterday morning I prayed for peace, comfort, and joy for my family for the upcoming week.  
 On a walk yesterday afternoon, walking over the bridge, I came to an abrupt halt when I noticed J O Y in the water. Upon closer inspection, it's just a piece of bubble wrap and the letters were where water had pooled on top of the plastic. This photo doesn't even show the real clarity of how perfectly formed the J O Y were.
In the mail I received this handmade card from a dear friend:
"Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20

This is the second year that the JOY banner has hung from Jacob's Ladder:

God's little whispers are sometimes easy to miss, His blessings easy to dismiss. A card expressing Joy and Peace for us, the J O Y in the stream. Things I prayed for just that morning. Arriving at the perfect time, in the most unexpected of ways.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." -Ralph Hodgson
 

Friday, December 18, 2015

Cocoon

This has been my view recently in the evenings. After a full day of school and mommying (this should be a real word. If twerking is now in the dictionary, mommying should be too!) I retreat to the bedroom when hubby arrives home to relax and recharge. It's been a cloudy December, albeit warm, it's been somewhat dreary. I feel as though I've gone into hibernation mode. Twilight the other day gave the outside world a blue hue for a moment. It was beautiful. As well as otherworldly. Perfect for my mood as I once again wrap us up in our own cocoon as another holiday approaches. ‪#‎grieve‬ ‪#‎childloss‬ ‪#‎beautyfromashes‬ ‪#‎viewfromhere‬

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

5 Years

December 16, 2010 is a date forever seared on my brain. It's the day I posted this onto Facebook:

 "I don't even want to write these words, as they are a mother's worst nightmare. We found a very large tumor in Jacob's abdomen today and the doctor is pretty sure it is a Wilms tumor or something very similar...which in a nutshell is kidney cancer. He has a CT scan tomorrow morning. Please, please pray for him...I don't want my little boy to have to go through this."

It's the day that everything changed.

I think that may be one reason (upon many) that December is such a hard month for me. I relive this day over and over again. 

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not having pity parties for myself. Grief is neither of those. It never ends. There is no time limit to it. I will, forever and ever, until I am with Jacob again, miss him.    
I am a bereaved mother. My husband is a bereaved father. My children are missing their brother. That will never change.
It gets old for the people around me, I'm sure. December is supposed to be a happy time. You know, the most wonderful time of the year and all that. Which is exactly one of the reasons that it is the hardest time of the year for those missing someone.

My Grandma used to want to spend Christmas Eve alone. I didn't understand it growing up, as Christmas Eve to my family was gathering together and was more special to me than Christmas Day. Now I understand. Even 5, 10, 15, 20+ years after becoming a widow, she wanted that night to herself. Her ritual was little treats that she saved throughout the year and probably a glass of wine. A darkened room, lit only by the flicker of a candle or the lights on the Christmas tree. A night that used to be filled with her husband, family, and rituals now became a night reserved for memories of those times. I get that so much now.

Five years ago today our world was turned upside down. It can never be the same again. That is the price of love and loss.  
 

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Forgiven

After a son does the unthinkable, how can a mother go on?

On October 2, 2006, a gunman entered an Amish one-room schoolhouse, shooting ten girls, killing five, then finally taking his own life. This is his mother's story. Not only did she lose her precious son through suicide, but she also lost her understanding of him as an honorable man. Forgiven by Terri Roberts with Jeanette Windle

I'm sure we all remember hearing about the Amish schoolhouse shooting in 2006. Imagine being the mother of that shooter. Or of any shooter. I know that upon hearing of a tragedy I think "What makes someone do such a thing?" Roberts still wonders that about her own son. She wracked her brain for an answer, for a reason. Was it his upbringing? Why didn't she notice that something was bothering him, that something was wrong?

After reading this book you come to the conclusion that it's not always an upbringing that causes someone to have a darkness. It's not necessarily an event that turns someone to the dark side. Sometimes it just happens. Or as Henry, one of Robert's Amish neighbors puts it, on page 54: "I think the devil used your boy." 

It's hard enough losing a child, as so many of these Amish families did that day. Roberts not only lost her child, when he took his own life, but she also has the grief of knowing he took so many innocent lives with him. I imagine that in many of these situations, a gunman's family would feel complete isolation and blame and hate. Because the Amish community was so swift in forgiving not only Charlie (the shooter) but also the whole family by default it was healing for everyone involved, including the whole United States when they saw that forgiveness.

This book gives us a look into the life of what a gunman leaves behind in his own life. A father. A mother. Brothers. Sisters. Wives. Children. His own and those of the lives he takes.

Roberts explains how the forgiveness of the Amish helped her forgive her own son. While thankfully most of us will not ever have to deal with such a horrible tragedy such as this, there will be instances in our lives that we do need to offer forgiveness.


It was a very eye-opening book.

This book was given to me by Bethany House Publishing in exchange for my honest review. 
 

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Real

I've always loved this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit. Even more so these past few years.

Being immersed in a community of women and men who have lost a child is not something one would choose to do. It's an exclusive club which only the broken, battered, and shattered join. No one wants to be in this club. We all wish we could claw our way out but forever we will be the bereaved parents. Forever.

 The beauty in these people is real. I feel that when a piece of you is in heaven that it does radiate from within. The cracks within your heart illuminate more light than before. It's a catch 22 - we want our children back with all our hearts, but their absence has taught us so much. 

They taught us to be real.
 

Monday, November 23, 2015

Keep Searching

33 degrees means drip, drip, dripping. Nature is decorating my house today.
I love my mama and sisters. Even if one is covering herself with a coat and one seems to be seeing Jesus at the moment this picture was snapped (my sister Rachel is going to kill me!). Such a fun day with us 6 girls and Tim Hawkins.
I laughed almost two hours straight at Tim's comedy. We were only about 8 rows from the front so it was great to see him so up close and personal!

Laughter was some of the best medicine for me this month. November and December are hard months when you are missing someone, especially someone who loved the holidays so much.
  During this month of Thanksgiving, I've been searching each day for the things I'm thankful for. Some days can be harder than others to have a positive attitude. But still I search...

Glittering icicles.

A girls night out.

Laughter.

Love.
 Least you think I'm implying that it's a simple thing, I'm not. There are days when my sorrow, my struggles, my grey clouds can be overwhelming. They can be so heavy. Tiresome. Burdensome.

We all have those days, but I know you grieving mama's know even more so what I am speaking of. Keep searching...even if it's just a

Soft Kleenex.

A fluffy blanket.

One swift happy memory.

It all counts. It is the little things, after all.
 

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails