Emotional Fool

My baby turns three today! My little April fool.

Her birthday is a challenge for me. I vividly remember the day that she was born. It was the day of Jacob's Palliative care chemotherapy appointment. The day before I had decided to just send my husband and mom to it as I didn't want to be 70 miles away from home when I was 4 days overdue.

It turns out that my husband wasn't able to go to the appointment either since I ended up in labor that day.

It was a very, very emotional day. I asked my mom to go ahead with the appointment but was so worried about Jacob all day. Would he be nervous being at the clinic with just my mom? Would something be said in front of him that would make him scared? It turned out to be a good day with Grandma for him but knowing that your mom was hearing palliative care information about your sweet boy while you are in labor is a thing you just don't ever forget.

I'm sure that when my mom posted on her Facebook wall that morning that I had been rushed to the hospital by ambulance due to bleeding heavily that many people thought it was an April Fool's Joke. I wish it had been. The doctor  never figured out what caused the bleeding but the OR was on stand-by when I arrived because the first thought was placenta abruptio, which was my thought in the shower and struck a chord of fear in me that I've only felt a few times in my life; hearing about the death of my dad and a couple times throughout Jacob's illness.

Thankfully, little Amy was born perfectly healthy later that day after a couple more slight scares (her heart rate dipping several times, talk of a c-section). 

My husband brought all the kids to the hospital that night to see Amy and all I can remember is as they walked around the corner of the curtains seeing Jacob's face light up with joy at the sight of his little sister. My eyes didn't move from his face - his beautiful little face...because I knew that he has just been at an appointment that was focused on making him comfortable in the months to come. I knew that in one week's time I would be at another appointment getting his hospice set up.  

That is why Amy's birthdays have been fraught with emotions each year. We are so, so blessed with her in our lives, but the memories of the day of her birth are to this day very anxiety-inducing for me. Heart-breaking. 

Last year on Facebook my post was: 

We all went out to eat at Dairy Queen tonight for Amy's birthday. I was feeling sad, thinking that Jacob should have been there and that it isn't the same as a "family" without him. As we were eating I noticed that a teen girl sitting behind us was wearing a Dance Marathon t-shirt (the charity at the U of I Hospital which was a huge part of Jacob's cancer journey. Then as we are pulling out of the parking lot I see a big truck with the word "Jacob's Trucking". Ben still was rolling his eyes at me so I said, "It's so obvious. I bet if you looked outside you would have seen a hummingbird!" He replies, "Like the hummingbird tattoo that the lady sitting by the door had?"
I know Jacob is with us today. And always.

Certain days in this journey are just extremely hard, as I'm sure they will always be. It's just the way it is.
 

JOY

December has been a difficult month for me. Yesterday morning I prayed for peace, comfort, and joy for my family for the upcoming week.  

 On a walk yesterday afternoon, walking over the bridge, I came to an abrupt halt when I noticed J O Y in the water. Upon closer inspection, it's just a piece of bubble wrap and the letters were where water had pooled on top of the plastic. This photo doesn't even show the real clarity of how perfectly formed the J O Y were. ‪

In the mail I received this handmade card from a dear friend:

"Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." John 16:20

This is the second year that the JOY banner has hung from Jacob's Ladder:

God's little whispers are sometimes easy to miss, His blessings easy to dismiss. A card expressing Joy and Peace for us, the J O Y in the stream. Things I prayed for just that morning. Arriving at the perfect time, in the most unexpected of ways.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." -Ralph Hodgson
 

Cocoon

This has been my view recently in the evenings. After a full day of school and mommying (this should be a real word. If twerking is now in the dictionary, mommying should be too!) I retreat to the bedroom when hubby arrives home to relax and recharge. It's been a cloudy December, albeit warm, it's been somewhat dreary. I feel as though I've gone into hibernation mode. Twilight the other day gave the outside world a blue hue for a moment. It was beautiful. As well as otherworldly. Perfect for my mood as I once again wrap us up in our own cocoon as another holiday approaches. ‪#‎grieve‬ ‪#‎childloss‬ ‪#‎beautyfromashes‬ ‪#‎viewfromhere‬

5 Years

December 16, 2010 is a date forever seared on my brain. It's the day I posted this onto Facebook:

 "I don't even want to write these words, as they are a mother's worst nightmare. We found a very large tumor in Jacob's abdomen today and the doctor is pretty sure it is a Wilms tumor or something very similar...which in a nutshell is kidney cancer. He has a CT scan tomorrow morning. Please, please pray for him...I don't want my little boy to have to go through this."

It's the day that everything changed.

I think that may be one reason (upon many) that December is such a hard month for me. I relive this day over and over again. 

I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm not having pity parties for myself. Grief is neither of those. It never ends. There is no time limit to it. I will, forever and ever, until I am with Jacob again, miss him.    

I am a bereaved mother. My husband is a bereaved father. My children are missing their brother. That will never change.

It gets old for the people around me, I'm sure. December is supposed to be a happy time. You know, the most wonderful time of the year and all that. Which is exactly one of the reasons that it is the hardest time of the year for those missing someone.

My Grandma used to want to spend Christmas Eve alone. I didn't understand it growing up, as Christmas Eve to my family was gathering together and was more special to me than Christmas Day. Now I understand. Even 5, 10, 15, 20+ years after becoming a widow, she wanted that night to herself. Her ritual was little treats that she saved throughout the year and probably a glass of wine. A darkened room, lit only by the flicker of a candle or the lights on the Christmas tree. A night that used to be filled with her husband, family, and rituals now became a night reserved for memories of those times. I get that so much now.

Five years ago today our world was turned upside down. It can never be the same again. That is the price of love and loss.  
 

The Weekend

Weekend Thankfulness:

*Exploring the downtown Christmas window walk with my sweet kiddos and cousin

*Grandma taking the kids to a movie which meant a walk around the neighborhood with hubby and dog (last time we walked sans kids was probably 6 years ago!)

*A family lunch together at the Chinese restaurant and being told "Your check has already been taken care of"

*McDonald's shakes for the kids which Jacob treated them to from a gift card he had received for his birthday in 2013 which I had been saving for a special time. A "just because" time seemed perfect - the rest of the card will be used on Jacob's birthday.

Weekend Thoughts:

*Our community is in an uproar now this season since the public school has decided that the yearly Christmas program is now just a "holiday" program and all songs pertaining to faith, Jesus, or Christianity will not be allowed. I'm curious to see how it plays out - I know the school board meeting tonight will be a lively one.

One person, one opposing view can cause so much strife. I have a friend who donated play equipment to a city park in honor of the twins that she lost. Parents are able to buy bricks engraved with their own children's names to be placed in the park and one picture option for the bricks was a cross. One person in her community caused so much dissension for the city stating that crosses have no place in a park (not even on a child's memorial brick!) that they had to take that option off the table. Whatever happened to the live and let live mentality?

 "You will be hated by all because of My name, but it is the one who has endured to the end who will be saved." Matthew 10:22

It makes me glad to homeschool. Where we don't have to be "politically correct".      

Real

I've always loved this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit. Even more so these past few years.

Being immersed in a community of women and men who have lost a child is not something one would choose to do. It's an exclusive club which only the broken, battered, and shattered join. No one wants to be in this club. We all wish we could claw our way out but forever we will be the bereaved parents. Forever.

 The beauty in these people is real. I feel that when a piece of you is in heaven that it does radiate from within. The cracks within your heart illuminate more light than before. It's a catch 22 - we want our children back with all our hearts, but their absence has taught us so much. 

They taught us to be real.
 

God is Good

Yesterday I watched as my sister was baptized. While I'm sad that my daughter's Godmother has left our church, I know that each and every one of us has to follow our own journey to God.

As she breaks away from the nest - studying nursing at college, falling in love, paying bills and living life - I rejoice that she has grown closer to God and made HIM the priority in life.

37 people stood on the stage and gave their testimonies. Some were so broken and bruised when they came to God that they said they had nothing to lose. He was their last hope. From suicide attempts to drugs to prostitution, these people made the choice to set aside their ways and become born again. No matter what our faith, what our beliefs are, to see people put their hope, trust, and life into our Lord is a beautiful thing.

It is this post this morning, by Scribbles & Crumbs, which I feel as though I could have written word for word (though not quite as eloquently).

God can take our pain and use it for His glory. I often try to think of the analogy of a mother giving birth. It's hard, it hurts; but it is so worth it in the end. I look at each of my children and think - yes, I would totally go through that pain again for each of you. I imagine this is what Heaven is like - we look back on the struggles of life and think this reward is worth that. I would go through that again to get to here. 

I love God more now then I did 5 years ago. Does that sound weird after seeing some of the greatest suffering in those 5 years? I could blame God for the pain that my loved ones suffered, that the ones still here suffer. But God brought them HOME. No doubt that there are evils in this world. God may allow things to happen, but that doesn't mean that He makes them happen. Free will is still a thing. The presence of the devil is still real. God is always good, even when bad things happen.

That doesn't mean it's easy. As a matter of fact, sometimes the hardest thing is still giving glory to God when everything around you is crumbling. It is a choice - sometimes one that needs to be made daily, hourly, by the minute. 

As the praise song goes: "Sometimes blessings come through raindrops, sometimes healing comes through tears."

Other times those blessings come as a bright burst of yellow flowers, still blooming on my porch in November (all you Iowa peeps know this is no small feat for this little plant!).     

A hug from a friend.

A funny saying from my child.

A knowing glance from my husband when we know we are thinking the same thing at the same time.

Blessings are everywhere. God is everywhere.
 

Stitched

I don't have a lot of pictures of Jacob between the ages of 5-8 where he looked healthy. He always looked happy, but the thing you usually notice first is the bald head or pale skin.  The dark circles beneath his eyes and the tired expression.

When I wake up from a dream like the type I had last night I feel desperate to look at some healthy pictures of my boy. I don't want to remember his dying days. The tests, the hospitals, the 50 days that he spent on our couch. The three years of surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation, blood draws, check ups, days in the hospital. Stem cell transplant. Ct Scans. Results.

I want to remember THIS boy.

The good times. The sweetness. The sunny smile. The brown puppy dog eyes. The small little hand that fit perfectly into mine.

The fuzzy hair. The peacemaker. The one who loved hamburgers and pop. Cocoa Wheats and Toaster Strudels. Animals and babies. 

Yes

Twelve

My first baby turned 12 today! She is such a beautiful, sweet girl and I just can't believe how quickly these past twelve years have gone.

We enjoyed a nice brunch out as a family. 

She wanted to go hiking afterwards so we walked off all that food on a two mile park trail in the woods.

When we arrived home Becca helped me make her cupcakes (she chose strawberry with vanilla cheesecake frosting). She took a bike ride with her friend and then returned home to help me cook supper - her choice of taco salad.

A friend messaged me as we were about to eat her cupcakes. She casually mentioned that she got another Coke bottle today with the name JACOB on it so decided to make a donation to St. Jude's in his name. She sent me the little confirmation notice of the donation, saying "Not sure why that notice says Happy Birthday!" I then told her maybe it's because it's Becca's birthday and he is wishing her a happy one. She couldn't believe it - she did not know it was Becca's birthday and there was no reason for that little "Happy Birthday" notice to be on the donation note. 

How awesome is that?! Becca beamed when I told her about it. I think she truly knows that her little bro is with her always still. Especially on her birthday.

Happy birthday, sweet Becca, from ALL of us.
 

Here Kitty Kitty

Our cat got out in July and never came home. Because he has gotten out before, and always returned that night or the next morning, I assumed something bad happened to him. 

We searched the neighborhood.

Called the police station.

Called a notice into the radio station.

Put a notice up on local Facebook boards.

Nothing.

Then last week a friend tags me on Facebook. Her friend found a black cat and was trying to find the owners on the radio Facebook page. 

That's our cat!!!!

I went to her house that evening and it was Skippy! Two months gone and here he is just two streets over and five blocks west of us. She has seen him around in August, then he disappeared, then returned last week. Where he has been and what he has been up to for two months is beyond our imagination.  

As we tried to carry him to the car he got out of our arms and ran around the neighborhood. Yep, that's Skippy. He would always make us chase him when he was outside...not wanting to go back indoors.

Which leads to the fact that he has been "wild" and in his element for two months. He's a little aloof at the moment, though getting better each day.  Crazy cat. He now has a collar on with his name tag and number. I know he will probably get out again but at least it will be easier to find his way home.

He is a special cat to us because he is Jacob's cat. Jacob saved up his money and got him at the Humane Society. He loved that cat and I felt terrible after we lost him.

The day that the woman contacted us about finding Skippy I announced to Joe, "I think someone found Skippy!"

Joe beamed with excitement on his way to the bathroom (he had just woken up and was making his morning run!). He then paused and stood still for a moment, then slowly turned with a grin plastered on his face and said, 

"I prayed for him to come back!"  

And just two days prior I had shared this memory on Facebook, with the caption of "I miss them both".

Thank God for the little blessings. The little mercies. The little kitties. 
 

Wishful Thinking

I took Jacob to the dentist the other night. I had remembered at the last moment that I forgot to mention that he was going through treatment and was nervous about having to shake my head no when they asked "Is he going to be okay?"

As we waited we sat across the table from each other. Jacob asked if we could go get "the train wreck" at Denny's. I asked, "You mean the Grand Slam at Perkins?" He smiled and nodded his head yes. 

Then I woke up.

The dream didn't really make any sense. But I was with Jacob, for just a moment, and it felt like a little visit from him. 

I'm often reminded of a short-lived television show called Awake. I only saw one episode of it and was fascinated with the premise. Michael lives in two separate realities after a car accident. In one reality, his wife  survives the accident; in the other reality, his son  survives. Michael does not know which reality is "real". 

Sometimes I wish for two different realities. The days of suffering would be so much easier to handle if every night I lived a life where Jacob was still with us.
 

Not Back to School

This is our back to school picture. Because
1. we would have had to change out of pjs to get a photo 

2. The kids said "we aren't going back to school, we're homeschooled".

3. Everyone but Amy ran away from the camera 

4. The only reason she is carrying a backpack is to take it back to the library. 

The quote in my daily planner today was "Success each day should be judged by the seeds sown, not the harvest reaped." ~John C. Maxwell. Very fitting for the day that we started school. 

On a side note, the first day of school in our house only makes an absence more apparent. A child who would be starting 5th grade. This school year, instead of crying that your babies are starting school, growing up, spreading their wings...thank God for the fact that they are. 
 

2 Years 8~19~13

“They say that time in heaven is compared to ‘the blink of an eye’ for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I’ll already be there.” –Author Unknown
 

Precious Life

Losing three important people in my life in a three year span:

*My 83 year old Grandma who lived a full life

*My dad a day before his 61st birthday...not old enough to be called old

*My sweet 8 year old

It showed me how precious life is. How short it is.

I won't get a second chance - this is my one wild and precious life. Today is the last day I am this young. Today is also the first day of the rest of my life. I can either look at that as a depressing thought or I can see the opportunities that it gives me.

“It’s not enough to wish, dream, hope. Even children know this. We must set sail into the sea of uncertainty. We must meet fear face-to-face. We must take our dreams as maps for a greater journey. Dreams, to come true, need a good story. So go live one.”
― Vironika Tugaleva


 

I *Heart* U

When for too long I don't go deep enough into the woods to see them, they begin to enter my dreams. Yes, there they are, in the pinewoods of my inner life. I want to live a life full of modesty and praise. Each hoof of each animal makes the sign of a heart as it touches then lifts away from the ground. Unless you believe that heaven is very near, how will you find it? Their eyes are pools in which one would be content, on any summer afternoon, to swim away through the door of the world. Then, love and its blessing. Then: heaven. 
~Mary Oliver "The Faces of Deer"
(Above photo was taken right next to Jacob's headstone.)