Apologies

It's such a fine line to walk when writing a blog...between stating my opinion and coming across as a know it all. Or between writing about what I do and it coming across as the only way to do something. 

I've slowed on the blogging recently because of two things. One, I'm participating less online. While I've always known, it's become more apparent recently, how vicious the online world can be. With the Presidential race upon us and candidates all over the news  there have been so many more "I'm right, you're wrong" mentality posts on Facebook. I've seen sides of people I truly wish I had never caught a glimpse of. I've backed away from that world. 

Two: I was cleaning up some old posts and comments from this blog (like, years old) and saw some of my own statements that I cringed at. I'm not sure how I came across to you long time readers. I hope not as a know-it-all and more as just sharing my own life. But if I ever did come across as someone with a superiority complex, I apologize. I see that in some of my past posts. I wince at some of my blanket statements from years past. I could say that it's age that has matured me, but I know it's more having been to hell and back. I've changed because my life has changed and my soul (I meant sole but typed soul and will leave it...as that really IS what is at stake here) purpose is to be a better person.

I hope to continue on blogging as a small window into my life for you. If I write about homeschooling, or natural birthing, or being a penny pincher, or anything else that I do or I believe, it will never be to say that you should live that way or believe that way. It's just a peek into someone's life, which is why we all love to read blogs afterall.      

 

Wishful Thinking

I took Jacob to the dentist the other night. I had remembered at the last moment that I forgot to mention that he was going through treatment and was nervous about having to shake my head no when they asked "Is he going to be okay?"

As we waited we sat across the table from each other. Jacob asked if we could go get "the train wreck" at Denny's. I asked, "You mean the Grand Slam at Perkins?" He smiled and nodded his head yes. 

Then I woke up.

The dream didn't really make any sense. But I was with Jacob, for just a moment, and it felt like a little visit from him. 

I'm often reminded of a short-lived television show called Awake. I only saw one episode of it and was fascinated with the premise. Michael lives in two separate realities after a car accident. In one reality, his wife  survives the accident; in the other reality, his son  survives. Michael does not know which reality is "real". 

Sometimes I wish for two different realities. The days of suffering would be so much easier to handle if every night I lived a life where Jacob was still with us.
 

Precious Life

Losing three important people in my life in a three year span:

*My 83 year old Grandma who lived a full life

*My dad a day before his 61st birthday...not old enough to be called old

*My sweet 8 year old

It showed me how precious life is. How short it is.

I won't get a second chance - this is my one wild and precious life. Today is the last day I am this young. Today is also the first day of the rest of my life. I can either look at that as a depressing thought or I can see the opportunities that it gives me.

“It’s not enough to wish, dream, hope. Even children know this. We must set sail into the sea of uncertainty. We must meet fear face-to-face. We must take our dreams as maps for a greater journey. Dreams, to come true, need a good story. So go live one.”
― Vironika Tugaleva


 

Stories

"I don't like people." We've heard it said and we've probably uttered it ourselves at some point. I know I've said it, as well as really felt it, before.

Really it's not people but rather the way society is. Because now, especially since Jacob's illness, I've seen the heart of so many people. I've met the most wonderful friends, seen the bravest souls, looked into the wisest eyes.

I've been known to hesitate about sharing my feelings or thoughts in public (says the girl with the blog!). Sometimes you don't feel like the other person is a good one to bare your soul to. But I've learned that everyone has a story. We are who we are because of the life we have been dealt. And it's fascinating! 

I think the "Be kind to everyone for everyone is facing some sort of battle" really hit in when I stumbled upon the Humans of New York Facebook page years ago. Just looking at someone can't even begin to tell you who that person is or what their story may be. 

I see now why my Grandma loved opportunities to meet new people. Whether it was a seat mate on a bus or random shoppers at a garage sale...she was interested in their stories! 

It's true the more you get to know someone the less you may like them, but sometimes the more someone's story comes out the more you love them for it. 


. . .sometimes one feels freer speaking to a stranger than to people one knows. Why is that?"
“Probably because a stranger sees us the way we are, not as he wishes to think we are.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind  



“Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing that some have entertained angels without knowing it.”
― Holy Bible: King James Version

  “Every great love starts with a great story...”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook
 

The Date

Published in the Spring 2015 Hip Mama Magazine:
  
   I held his hand as we walked into the restaurant. Clung to it, really. As the mother of three children it is a rare treat to share an outing with just one. I wanted to savor every moment. As soon as we were seated he dug into the box of crayons the waitress had placed on the table and began to color on the children's menu. Without feeling hurried, or having to corral his younger brother or listen to his older sister's endless blather (eight year olds never seem to come up for breath!) I silently watched my middle child color. His small, china white hands clutched the crayons. His face was serious as he concentrated on staying in the lines. When he tired of coloring he attempted to put together the cardboard prize that came with the menu. He carefully folded and applied the stickers that would transform the piece of cardboard into a real toy car. Then he promptly announced that he was going to save the creation for his little brother.

 The waitress arrived to take our order and he rattled off a long list of the foods he desired; to me, not to her. Having speech apraxia meant that his words were still often hard to understand and he didn't feel comfortable talking to strangers, who often respond with the quizzical "what?" I am privileged to be one of the select few who he lets into his own little world of speech, blessed to be able to understand my little boy when he struggles to get out the words he knows so clearly in his head.

 His eyes lit up when I asked is he wanted to add a sundae to that order. His face beamed with a bright smile that reached his brown puppy dog eyes when I asked the waitress to bring the sundae first, before our meal. Before the waitress left she announced "I'll bring that sundae right out, Jacob."

 

     "How did she know my name?" he asked after she disappeared to the kitchen.

 

     "Everybody knows you, You're famous!" I answered. In reality, it was likely the hospital bracelet encircling his slim wrist that probably clued her in, but I didn't tell him that. 

 

     He grinned with pleasure before returning to coloring. Soon the sundaes arrived and we ate them greedily as we discussed movies and toys, particularly any related to Star Wars, his new favored obsession. We planed some fun games and a movie night for the coming week.

 

     The waitress soon returned, set the plate of sizzling onion rings and a giant hamburger in front of him. I joked that he wouldn't be able to eat half of it and he smiled as he bit into the burger that was almost half the size of his down-covered head; grease dribbled down his chin as he took on the dare to prove just how much he could eat.

 

    He wiped his plate clean over talk of the sister and brother left at home. Even with the one on one attention he missed them; those two young people who are such a daily part of his life, his best friends. He is quick to forget how annoying his little brother is when he gets into his things or how his older sister always craves attention. He is happy to sit back and let them have their way. Content would be the word that describes him best.

 

 As I paid the bill he clutched the toy car (for his brother) with one hand and the crayons in thefist of the other (for his sister, he informed me) and we slowly headed back to the car. I was in

no rush, dragging my feet as he skipped beside me. It was the beginning of July and the heat was stifling as we walked across the parking lot. Grey clouds hovered over us, with the sun valiantly attempting to peek through; I felt as though I was in a sauna. The heat pressed down on me, like the weight of the world on my shoulders.

 

    Grasping for any way to extend our date, I asked if he'd like to stop at a grocery store for a treat. Once there I threw frozen meals and shelf-stable foods into the cart as he chose his favorite things: pistachios, watermelon, beef jerky, pickles. They all went into the cart. Enough food for the two of us; nothing like my usual shopping trips for my family of five. These meals would be just for us. It felt strange to be a mother of three but only shopping for one.

 

   As we loaded up the car with groceries my movements slowed. I felt as though I was in a slow motion  movie, wanting this time in the outside world to last longer. Once that was no longer

possible, I buckled us both in the car to head back to the hospital. Back to the cancer treatment he's been enduring off and on for the past year and a half. Back to the isolation unit where he would begin a stem cell transplant that evening in an attempt to rid his small body of the stubborn beast called cancer. 

 

Back to the battle.

 

Clean Up in Aisle 6!

There is a reason that comedies such as "The Middle" are wildly popular. The situations are so grossly exaggerated and yet sometimes they end up being exactly like real life.

Take shopping with children, for instance. Unless you have them all strapped down in a cart (even then there would be something to complain about) or have a cattle prod for the ones on hoof foot things just never go as planned.

Yesterday we awoke to gloomy skies. A week of being cooped up together due to a nasty cold had left us feeling crabby, confined, and sick of each other. Matters were not helped when I opened my closet to search for an outfit for the cooler weather only to find myself flipping through everything I owned and hating it all. A year filled with stress has helped to expand my waistline a bit lot, making what little I liked not look good anymore. Needless to say, opening my closet only helped to make me more depressed.

So spur of the moment I decided to pack the kids into the car and head off on an impromptu trip to go shopping! I had my happy face on and I was bound and determined to make this a fun trip, even if it killed us!

My first clue that the day wasn't about to go as planned should have been when it took an hour to get everyone ready just to head out. One unnamed child didn't want to wear socks, trying to make their already stinky sneakers twice as funky. Another child couldn't find their hat. One child was standing at the door raring to go and was getting angrier by the second that the rest of us were taking so long.

Our first stop was McDonald's where I purchased everyone a kid's meal to start our fun day off right. Nothing like feeding the kids some poison for a few moments peace on the way there. Actually, you won't hear me complain about the kids in the van...they are actually quite good travelers and it is typically relaxing driving with them (no, really!).

Anyhow, our first stop was Target, where I was mainly looking for some stylish boots and kitchen towels. We picked out the cart with the little twin caboose on the back so that both Jacob and Joe could ride together. The peace lasted for 39 seconds before Jacob started to need to stretch his legs out of the caboose and put his feet directly in my path as I pushed the cart. I repeatedly stepped and stumbled on his feet before demanding that he put them back in. By that time, Joe had decided he was finished with riding and wanted out. And Becca then wanted in, which then made Joe want back in. Then Jacob decided he wanted out, but Joe didn't want Becca to sit by him...and on and on it went. The worst part is I couldn't find neither the boots, nor the kitchen towels I was hoping to find. We left quickly, empty handed.

Next was PetSmart for dog food. Hoping to get in and out quickly I made a run for the dog food aisle and quickly scanned the clearance shelf to see if there was anything we needed. We got through the store fairly unscathed, except for the part when Jacob and Becca fought over "which dog was theirs". See, they have this game which they play whenever they see a dog (whether we are driving past one, one is walking past our house, or they see a cute picture of one). Whoever says "I get that dog!" first when they see a dog "gets the dog" (to do what with, I'm not sure!). But often times they fight over who said it first, or will try to trade their previous dogs for this new one. It gets old pretty fast. They started the game up again in the store and started to bicker over who got what...I was quickly able to divert their attention to the cages of hamsters and make a run for the counter in order to check out and get out!

Next stop was Kohls, where I was admittedly hoping to find some clothes that I liked. Immediately upon entering the store Jacob suddenly became freakishly super sensitive to touch and shrieked every time Becca "accidentally" brushed against him...which seemed to happen all too often for it to be an "accident". I scoured the clearance racks hoping to find something that I liked. I came up with several dresses for next summer (as if those will help me now!) that I wanted to try on.

I positioned the stroller outside the dressing room and told Becca and Jacob to stay put and brought Joe in along with me. Bringing an overactive child into a tiny dressing room is not the brightest idea as he instantly tried opening the door again and again. While slamming my purse with a bit more force than necessary on the purse hook I somehow managed to shave a large piece of my thumb off on the sharp metal. So now I'm bleeding in the dressing room with a child who continues to try to get the door open with background sounds of a shrieking child because his sister is touching him! I somehow managed to stop the bleeding, try the clothes on, and get out of the store alive (with two new dresses and a pair of cotton capris for next summer...all for $17 since the items were 80-90% off!...but which still won't help with my plight for WINTER clothing now!).

By this time I'm exhausted and about to just drive home but it was a 45 minute drive to "the city" and I couldn't give up yet. We made one more stop which was at Old Navy. Somehow within minutes Joe is out of the stroller and instead pushing Jacob up and down the aisles. Seeing as how the store was deserted and the children were behaving I let this continue, affording me a bit of browsing time. All was well until Joe rammed Jacob's knee into the edge of a shelf and he let out a wail. At this point I bought the shirt I was holding (again, on clearance, which was an additional 30% off so I only paid $4.50!) and called it a day.

Our very last stop was Panera Bread where I grabbed a bakers dozen of Cinnamon Crunch bagels (heat these in the microwave for 35 seconds and you will be in HEAVEN...thanks to Jacki for getting me hooked on these 11 years ago!). I'll be honest and say I ate three of these after arriving home (within a couple hours time, mind you, it's not like I'm a pig or anything!) and while that won't help my ever increasing waistline, it did make me feel better. It doesn't really matter, because I didn't buy a single thing to put in my closet for this winter, so I may just have to eventually fashion a mu mu out of a bedsheet.

When I imagine it on an episode of "The Middle" it's hilarious. When it happens to me, it's called my life. If only the writers on that show paid me a little for some of our real life experiences...

Day 28: Confession TIme

Yesterday we went shopping. I didn't even have a grocery list written out but we still went shopping. Which means that we spent $85.15 at the grocery store and didn't even get all that we needed for the week. I also finally got fed up with waiting to buy throw pillows for the couch (the ones we had were in really bad shape and I planned to wait until July to buy some new ones but couldn't hold off any longer). While at Kohl's browsing through the pillows, I saw a small rug I wanted for the kitchen and a package of washcloths, which we needed. I spent $25.97 there. We also spent $10 in gas.

It didn't end there, though. This was also the month that hubby and I were both in desperate need of new underwear. No, not the sexy expensive kind...just basic underwear. Again, I was holding off until July to buy them - along with flea medicine for all the animals, cat litter, and baby wipes. You know how they say that you can start with one sin and work your way up to bigger sins because once you sin it's easier to keep on going? Well, the same held true for this experiment/challenge. Once I went over budget it was just too easy to keep on going. I spent $45.05 at Walmart, which means all totaled up we are $175.78 over budget. With three days left in the month I am staying out of stores.

These were not all luxury purchases. We actually needed everything that I purchased at Walmart. The food we bought at HyVee was all healthy foods that we will eat, but I could have done better by having a list and just sticking to what we needed for the week. The pillows and throw rug were more of a want.

So for this month we have come in at $1,375.78. It's still much better than what we usually come in at towards the end of each month. It is a change. I'm going to take what I learned about this month and try to perfect it for August.

Could we have lived off just $1,200? Yes. We could have cut out the $30 some odd dollars we spent on fast food. We could have cut out all treats and extras at the grocery store. I could have waited to purchase my Walmart items until next month. That all would have brought us under $1,200. But I wanted to be realistic. If someone living on $1,200 a month needed underwear, they would have had to budget it in somewhere. Does someone living on $1,200 never eat out or get treats? I guess, had we really had to live off $1,200, we would be $175.78 in debt right now. Scary!

I will be writing about where I could have saved more, cut out, and done things differently which will be published later this week. I then plan to take what I did learn and use it to do better in August.

Don't forget...the $400 grocery budget starts in just three days!

Confession Time

I've fallen off the wagon this week.

No, I'm not an alcoholic or trying to steer clear from drugs. Well, actually I am trying to steer clear from drugs, but it isn't a difficult task. No, it isn't as life altering as those two things.

I've not been sticking to my grocery budget this week, nor have we stayed away from fast food. (Hanging head in shame.) I've been to the grocery store twice this week and hubby has made a grocery run once. Not a big deal, you say? Maybe not, but I can so see the difference in what we spend when we make multiple trips to the store as opposed to one well planned out one. My grocery budget goal each week is $75 and for the past couple months I have made that goal, and often beating it by coming in around $65. This week I estimate that we've spent around $100 to $115. It isn't going to break us, but we didn't need to spend extra. One run was for Parmesan cheese that we forgot and that hubby can't live without on his spaghetti. The run to the store, for that one item, ended up bringing home treats for each child, M&Ms for myself, salt & vinegar kettle chips and cookies for hubby. I didn't ask hubby for the receipt yet but I'm thinking that trip cost about $15...all for junk food. Yikes! That is where the truth lies...the more often you go to the store weekly the more unnecessary items you will pick up. I don't mind picking out the kids a treat on our weekly grocery trip, but I do mind picking them up a treat four or five times in one week.

Because of extra stress lately, and not having planned a good menu at the beginning of the week, we have also gotten take out more often than usual. Saturday we went shopping and stopped at Wendy's and spent $9. On Sunday we spent close to $20 on hamburgers and ice cream. On Wednesday I was stressed and spent $11 on hamburgers and fries for us. I won't count our anniversary dinner out for Chinese because I do consider that necessary. Close to $40 in one week on take out?! Not good...for the budget or waistline.

Which brings me to MY waistline. I have been gaining 1/2 a pound to a pound steadily for the past couple weeks. It's no one's fault but my own. Take out, junk food, and not enough exercise are to blame and I need to get back on track! I can fix all three of these problems by just planning a better menu and shopping list at the beginning of the week.

Here's to getting back on track this week and sticking to it!

One Of Those Weeks

These past several days have been stressful. Maybe it is the fact that no matter how hard I try I just cannot keep the house looking decent. Maybe it's because it has been gloomy and we have been stuck inside. Maybe it's because the children are not behaving. I guess it could be all of these things wrapped in one but it is getting me down. I feel like yelling "COME ON! Just give me a break already!"

You know, it's one of those weeks. Everyone gets them. One of those weeks when you are tired, crabby, emotional, and fed up. One of those weeks when nothing seems to go right and you just want to crawl underneath the covers and wake up when all is right with the world again. But as a mother you can't crawl into bed or comfort yourself with a marathon of favorite chick flick movies or a lazy do nothing day. Because there is always someone clinging to you or wanting a glass of water or needing to be changed for the sixth time that day. There is always something that needs to be done, and quite often more than one thing at a time needs doing.

And that is what has me exhausted this week. I really am feeling pulled in all directions. There is a toddler that is extra clingy and whiny and entering his terrible twos. There is a four year old that is fairly quiet but needs attention just the same. There is a sassy six year old that needs discipline as well as hugs and quality schooling each day. Then there is a house that is in a state of chaos. I am not looking for a state of perfection, I would be happy with an organized mess at the moment but even that is wishing for a miracle to happen. Cooking. Laundry. And a husband who deserves more than just my leftover time. I'm tired.

I keep reminding myself that it is just one of those weeks. That next week will dawn bright and sunny and the children will behave like perfect angels and I will awaken on Monday morning to a clean and organized house. No? Well, a girl can dream, can't she?!

There really is no point to this post. No revelation on how to make things better or easier. The fact of the matter is that it's called life. There are good days and bad days. It doesn't mean that I don't enjoy my children, my husband, or my life. It doesn't mean I chose the wrong path in life. It doesn't mean that tomorrow won't be better. It just means that it is one of those weeks, that's all. Now can someone get me a Tylenol?

Not Me! Monday

When I sat down to write out today's post I did not come up with a complete blank on things that I did (not) want to fess up to for the week. My life is not so boring and mundane lately that I could not come up with one single thing that was interesting enough to post. Not me!!

So instead, I will confess to things that I have never ever said as a mama...nope, these following comments have never passed through my lips!

"Please stop dipping your toothbrush in the toilet."

"Stop squishing your brother, he can't breathe."

"Next time can you remember to flush the toilet...and remember to wipe?!"

"Did you forget to put underwear on today?"

"What IS this?" (said quite often when finding very odd things around the house)

"No, Alf is not in your closet. Or E.T. Or a monkey."

And the #1 thing I never say? "Because I'm the mom, that's why!"

What is one phrase you never thought you would find yourself saying?

Happy Not Me! Monday!

Confessions of Mommyhood

I took a shower with a cowboy and army guy today.

Please believe me when I say that upon waking up this morning I had no intention of jumping in the shower with a cowboy and army guy. It wasn't even on my mind. Really, what was I supposed to do when I turned around once in the shower and realized that they were there? Kick them out, when they were there first? Besides, they had already seen it all when I first walked in the shower and seemed quite content to just stay quiet and watch so I went ahead and finished my shower with them. It was a hot and steamy shower, but only because it was cold in the house and the warmth quickly fogged up the room.

My husband can't really blame me though, I mean, maybe he even knew that they were in there. Maybe he saw them in there last night and said nothing. Didn't even usher them out of the bathroom but instead left them lying in wait for his innocent, unsuspecting wife. I really blame my son on this one. He is the one always inviting these guys into the house. It's all his fault! I had to take a photo to share this experience with you...







And it wasn't until a little while later that I realized I was showering with two more army guys. What an exciting morning!