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Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Dear Jacob

Dear Jacob,

   A few weeks ago, while folding laundry, I ran across this shirt.
It's the shirt that you wore a lot in the summer of 2013. The summer you were sick. The last summer we had with you.
It was hot and you enjoyed the thin cotton. You also wore them a lot in 2012 when you got your hickman line in, because these undershirts kept the tubes from bumping around as you ran and played.

I bent to pull the shirt from the basket and silently said your name. I wanted it to still be your shirt. Clean from the line after you dirtied it with little boy play. Except you wouldn't be little anymore. You would be a ten year old boy today.

The shirts are your little brother's now. Half the clothing in his drawers are ones that you wore. Joe often asks, "Was this one Jacob's?" and loves to wear his big brother's clothing. My heart still aches when I wash and fold clothing because I'm folding clothing that was yours but no longer is. I haven't had to scramble to buy some jeans when you had a growth spurt or start looking at pre-teen boys clothing because you aren't here. I never got to mother the pre-teen Jacob. Piles of clothes - daddy's, mommy's, Becca's, Joe's, and Amy's litter the bed as I fold. That space, that glaringly empty space is where your pile should be. 

Becca tries to pretend that she's strong but I know she misses her little brother, her best friend. She's had you in her life since she was 11 months old, when you were in my tummy and she used to poke and play with "baby", she was age 21 months when your presence was in every minute of her life. From piling stuffed animals on you to playing birds in the yard with you to going to Bible Camp together. You guys were buddies. Constants in each others life. And then gone. She misses you terribly. I catch glimpses of you in her face, especially when she's sleeping is when she looks so much like you.
Joe reminds me of you at times. Hearing him play I hear the noises and sounds you used to make. When he puts on your Army hat or the Boba Fett costume my heart hurts. Sometimes his movements are like yours were.  He wants to be like you. I hate that he doesn't get to grow old with his big brother.

Amy points at your pictures and says "Jacob". She brings you flowers at the cemetery, rearranges your graveside decorations, and then kisses your picture goodbye on the headstone, along with the Boba Fett helmet on the other side. She was only 4 months old the last time she saw you, she couldn't remember you. That will be a heartache as well...never truly knowing how magical you were. But she's following in your footsteps. She loves Star Wars, and super heroes. Probably because she had the greatest super hero as a brother. I know that she will recognize you within blessings throughout her life. And without a doubt she will know you and your light when she meets you in Heaven someday.

You'd be excited about today. Looking forward to it for weeks and planning what you wanted, what you wanted to do, where you would want to eat, what type of cake you want. It's a day that you would have been enthusiastic about.

I've dreaded it all month. It's a blessing that you were born 10 years ago. It's a blessing that we had you in our life for 8 of those years. Look at that smile...how can it NOT be a blessing?!   
Your smile was like no other. You were lit from within...your sweet soul shone for everyone to see. 

I wonder if you all celebrate birthdays up there? Or are the angelversarys the ones that are celebrated? The day you were born into eternity more important than the day you were born on earth?

Maybe June 24th is when you remember the day that started your journey and you celebrate August 19th as the day your mission was completed. 
Matthew 25:23:  
"His lord said unto him, Well done, good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord."

I can only imagine how much heaven celebrated as you entered the gates. What was it like to see Jesus face to face? To reunite with Grandpa and Great Grandma? To see all the children that you now get to play with forever? Now each and every moment for you is a cause for celebration. Filled with joy. I'm so glad that you are better now. No more sickness or pain for you. 

It seems hard to believe that the last birthday we got to celebrate with you was two years ago. And yet it seems like forever ago.
 I can only imagine your hugs now. Try to remember our conversations together. Everything around us reminds us of you.

Star Wars

Root Beer

Doodling elaborate scenes on paper.

Full House (It's been Amy's favorite show as well. She watches it constantly.)

White "fuzzy" donuts, as Great-Grandma called them (you know, the Grandma you called "the Grandma with the mean kitty".) :) I haven't been able to eat them since you left. Though Becca, Joe, and Amy often choose them for their treat at the store.

You are everywhere.

But a piece of our hearts went with you the day you left to go home. A piece of us is missing because you are missing. 

You would have hit the double digits this year. TEN just sounds so old. 


It's not fair. I want you here on your tenth birthday. I remember 10 years ago...you coming into this world. How gentle and peaceful your birth was. How gentle and peaceful you were growing up. My sweet little pudgy baby boy.

My arms ache to hold you. It's your birthday and you aren't here. 

We will still celebrate. Celebrate the fact that we were chosen to be your parents 10 years ago. Celebrate getting to have you in our life for 8 years. Celebrate the fact that you are happy, healthy, and WHOLE now. 

Happy 10th Birthday our sweet Jacob.   

1 comment:

  1. Happy Birthday Jacob! I am sure he is celebrating in Heaven :) And Happy "Birth" day, to you, his mom :)



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