Today

After speaking with a very nice and knowledgeable doctor from St. Jude's we have all come to the conclusion to go back to Iowa City and start on some oral chemotherapy, which can be done at home. The studies available to us right now are all Phase I, which is MORE of a gamble than the oral chemotherapy. Doctors are now once again saying "No cure" and "quality of life" but we know that miracles do still happen, if it is God's will. We pray that this oral chemotherapy does something...whether it be stall the tumors or even shrink them.

We have an appointment on Monday to talk over the chemotherapy options and hopefully pick up the pills. We have changed to a different oncologist as we were not comfortable with the one that we had the past three years.

This has been a very stressful week - playing phone tag with doctors, making some huge decisions, awaiting a new baby in the house (the due date is today!), and watching our elderly dog go downhill quickly which will lead to just another decision having to be made. Please continue to keep us in your prayers - we need them!!!

99 Blessings

99 Blessings; An Invitation To Life by Brother David Steindl-Rast didn't turn out to be what I had hoped.

I knew going into it that this would be a book that I could either quickly thumb through when the mood struck or sit down and devour if I needed to.

I also knew that these were the first drafts of prayers of thankfulness from Brother David, not edited later to be more print friendly.

Knowing all this I still found the connection lacking. I could appreciate Brother David's prayers of thankfulness for the simplest things (who doesn't appreciate a good garage sale or bird song?) but didn't get excited over his thankfulness of hair or hats or most of the other prayers. 

I wanted these prayers to stir my heart, to get me as excited and thankful for the things that Brother David did. I actually got bored through some of the descriptions and the point got lost in some of the writings. Love the idea of being thankful for each and every little thing but I wanted to learn from Brother David's own thankfulness and felt like this book just didn't do it for me.

Disclaimer: This book was given to me by WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing in exchange for my honest review.

Waiting Game

There is not much to report this week. We heard from the oncologist on Monday and were told that there weren't any clinical trials in their data base that Jacob qualifies for at this time. The main doctor is out of the country this week for business but when she arrives back the doctors will all sit down and try to formulate the best plan. There may be possible studies at other hospitals that Jacob does qualify for and they will be looking into that as well.

We continue to pray that there is a good option for Jacob. We continue to trust that God will lead the way for us. There is a sense of calmness this week...I know that all your prayers have surrounded us and helped cushion this blow.

Jacob feels great. He loves not having to take any medicine daily and is enjoying this week of rest. His smile continues to shine each and every day - there are blessings all around us!

 

March 15th

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of my dad's heart attack, which ultimately ended up taking his life two weeks later. Which ended up being one day before his 61st birthday. Which is the due date for our newest baby.

I believe in signs from God. Little "pennies from Heaven", so to speak. Things that make us happy within the midst of grief. Signs that let us know that life goes on and that we are blessed no matter what our circumstances. Learning that I was pregnant last summer when Jacob was in the hospital for 40 days during his stem cell transplant may have seemed like a big mistake. Too much on one's plate. Yet the due date of this baby struck a huge chord with me...my dad's birthday. My dad who had shoulder pain the very night that Jacob's cancer had been found to return on March 8th. Shoulder pain which ended up being a heart attack. Out of the 365 days of the year this baby's due date ended up being  March 28th. If that's not a sign from God then I don't know what is.

Yesterday, as I mentioned, was the one year anniversary of my dad's heart attack. It also found us leaving the house at 4:30am to travel to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester for Jacob's scans. It was a 16 hour day away from home and exhausting. We didn't receive the news that we had hoped. Out of the three nodules in his lung, one has grown by 50% (the others stayed the same), making him no longer eligible for the study he was on. The Oncologist will consult with the other doctors and come up with any other options we may have and get back to us on Monday.

I don't have a sense of helplessness, nor hopelessness. I'm not filled with anxiety of the future or a sense of fright. Some may say that it's shock talking but I know that it is the comfort of God. I KNOW that if we just trust in His will and His way He will lead us.

We have so many people praying for us that we are wrapped in the comfort and peace of them.

What should we pray for? I've been known to ask myself. You can't specifically ask for Jacob to be healed or you'll be disappointed if he's not I've heard. Prayer won't change the outcome, so just ask for comfort others have said.

I've often been confused by prayer. It seems like most of us only pray when we need something from God. Then are disappointed when it doesn't happen the way we want/need it to. Yet in my studying I've come to find that God wants us to praise Him always - pray when we are happy, sad, joyful, or  wounded. He also wants us to ask. He is our Father, and just like children, we can ask for what we want. I want Jacob to be healed. I want Jacob to have a sick-free childhood. I don't want Jacob to suffer.

At the same time, God wants us to trust. Trust in the fact that His will is not our own. That not all our prayers will be answered as we want them to be. That His will is, in fact, better than ours. We don't see the whole picture. We are but children and don't always know what is best for us or our lives.

In that respect, we can ask for whatever we want. It would be silly not to, as God already knows our heart's desires. But then we have to also trust that whatever the answer is that it will be the best for us and to accept it. Sometimes our prayers will be answered exactly as we had hoped and sometimes there is a different plan for our life.

I don't know where God is leading us. But I am willing to follow. That is where my peace comes in. "Be still and know that I am God" flows through my mind - He will lead us, carry us, and push us through this journey. He will help us find our answers or make our decisions.

Because the biggest thing I have learned these past three years is that we can't only trust or believe in God when He does what we want. Can't only praise Him when we get our way.

We can only trust that everything that is brought our way works out for the greater good of us. That is a promise from God. And He seems to always show us this by tossing down some pennies from Heaven.  
 

March PopSugar Must Have Box

The March PopSugar Must Have box has arrived! For some reason I always receive my box like a week after other people so the spoilers are out by the time I open mine. I suppose I could avoid looking at the spoiler links but I don't have the will power! While the contents were not a surprise there are often different color combinations of items so it's still fun to rip open the box and see it in person. 
Included in the March box was:

*Heather Belle Signature Tassel Necklace. Based on the other items on their site I will price this around $80 (other bloggers are saying $85-$90). I love longer necklaces so this will either be for myself or a gift for someone else!

*The Laundress Delicate Wash ($19). This smells yummy but I honestly don't hand wash anything. I may not use this.

*Corkatoo Corkscrew ($14). This is something that I would never buy for myself but I think it is adorable. We needed a new corkscrew and within a month I may actually be able to enjoy a glass of wine occasionally!

*Buxom Sculpted Lash Mascara ($19). I'm not a huge mascara girl as it tends to get lumpy or smeared under my eyes. Maybe this more expensive brand will be right up my alley?

*Hollywood Fashion Secrets Sweater Saver ($6). I know that I have some sweaters and blankets that need to be de-pilled. This should come in handy!

*The New Black Nail Polish ($10). I was excited for this but disappointed in the colors...I just won't wear such red polish. Other boxes contained fun colors (greens and blues!) that I would have loved to rock on my toes this summer. 

*Peeps ($1). The kids were excited to find something in the box for them and mommy just had to eat one for the baby too!

*Hollywood Fashion Secrets Fashion Tape Assortment Pack

Total comes to around $149! While I won't use everything that I received what I can't use will be able to be re-gifted or sold (I sold the Hanky Panky thong from the February box for $10 on eBay last month!). I think that it is an excellent deal for $35 a month. You can use this link and the code REFERFRIENDS or REFER5 (I think one of those is still good!) to get $5 off your first box, bringing it down to $30. The boxes tend to sell out quickly, so if you are wanting the April box be sure to sign up soon.

What did you think of the March box?  
Disclaimer: My referral link is included in this post.

What I'm Loving Wednesday!

Once again, I am linking up with What I'm Loving Wednesday. This week I am loving smells. I don't know if it's a weird pregnancy thing or if it just proves that I'm weird but I've found some smelly favorites that I just can't stop sniffing.
 
Books. I've always loved the smell of paper but this is on a whole new level now. I bought a book at St. Vincent's last week that smelled slightly of gasoline or oil; probably from the type of ink used to print it. The scent was actually alluring. The book above was bought yesterday and still smells new...again, a scent that I can't get enough of and keep flipping through it to smell it! I really think that they need to make an air freshener or candle with the scent of new books or paper.  

By the way, for those who buy used books, what is the best thing that you have found inside of a book that you have purchased? I've found photos of people, $1 in one, and yesterday the book above had a receipt from Border's that was fun to pour over. While I love books, I won't pay new book prices so it was exciting to see the $77 purchase that the previous woman made on a July day in 2005!
 
Almond Scent. I am loving anything with almond right now and that especially includes the Zum Body lotion that I keep on my nightstand. My ritual before bed is slathering this on my hands and arms and I hear my husband sighing next to me when I do so because he does not like this scent! I can't get enough of it, though wish the scent would stay longer than just a few minutes.

Etc! from rue21. I found this last summer and am loving the scent even more lately. To me it smells like a guy fresh from the shower...which may seem like a weird scent but it is delicious!

Walking through the refrigerated aisles of the grocery store. I caught a whiff of the freon and that smell reminded me of when I was younger and sitting in front of the air conditioner unit, or walking into a store on a stifling hot day and smelling that cold air.

Spray Paint. No, I'm not huffing it, but when my husband painted a frame for me I couldn't get enough of that smell!

Unfortunately, with loving certain smells right now there are also ones that I used to be able to tolerate but can't stand at the moment that make me gag and shutter. I won't let my children near me until they have brushed their teeth because of their morning breath, or my husband's work boots which smell of stinky feet mixed with car oil. Our bathroom seems to have a perpetual smell of urine (because of two little boys in this house!) but I've only noticed it the past two weeks so have to daily (or hourly, it seems!) clean around the toilet!  Ahhh...the joys of pregnancy!

What is your all time favorite smell?

This Week

*I'm tying not to dread Friday, when we learn the results of whether this medicine (chemotherapy) is working for Jacob or not. I've placed it all in God's hands but there, of course, are moments of anxiousness.

*I had to dig through the bins of clothing in order to pull out some size 5 pants for Joe. He seems to have had a growth spurt overnight. One week his size 4 pants fit and the next they were all too short! I even noticed today that the sleeves of some of his shirts are now quite short on him. That doesn't happen much with my children; they are all fairly small and grow at a slow rate so this was very noticeable. That's also probably why he has been eating us out of house and home lately...that boy can sure pack away the food!

*Speaking of Joe, Jacob and him have been having a blast with the Darth Vader costume and light sabers that their Grandma sent to them!

*The kids are looking forward to a sibling class this week at the hospital. They get to learn all about babies and make their little sister a birthday card for when she arrives! I'm hoping that the hospital takes down their visitation restrictions before my due date or else the children won't be able to visit us in the hospital (due to RSV and influenza no visitors under 14 years of age are allowed at this time). Keeping my fingers crossed on that one!

*I'm loving the extra hour of daylight and am looking forward to spring weather, though our ground is covered with snow and we seem to get a new covering weekly yet!